tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51981478246724397732024-03-13T12:04:31.021-07:00The Messano FamilyA blog about the daily life of the Messano family! Raising my crazy fun kids and loving each other.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.comBlogger334125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-43189835034821779862015-07-06T23:43:00.001-07:002015-07-06T23:43:55.546-07:00Wise Beyond Your YearsI still remember the feeling of my knees hitting the concrete floor of the garage as I watched him back out and drive away. I had followed him out to the car begging him not to leave, but it didn't matter. I watched as he threw the dress shirts I had ironed for him just a few days earlier into the back seat of the car and slammed the door. He pulled out of the driveway amidst my pleading and sobbing, and didn't even look back. He had made his decision after a month of going back and forth, and he was gone. I couldn't bring myself to get up off of the floor, so I didn't. I buried my face in my hands and cried. In that moment, I felt like I would never be whole again. I was still in shock that this was happening and I almost remember thinking that I was going to wake up at any minute and my life would be normal again. I didn't wake up. Instead, I heard a small little voice say, "Mom? Mommy?" and I looked into the bright blue eyes of my barely 4 year old. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sat in my lap as we both cried. He kept asking me over and over again to stop crying and to not be sad, but I just couldn't do it. I needed to cry. So, we cried together.<br />
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My sweet little boy had seen a lot those few weeks leading up to his daddy moving out, and I wished so desperately that I could have shielded him from it. He heard us arguing, watched his daddy yell at me, watched me cry almost constant tears, and got scared when his daddy slammed his fists onto the hood of the car as I begged him not to go. I can't imagine what was going on inside that little head of his as he watched everything unfold. He must have been so confused and terrified. <br />
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His daddy stopped coming home and stopped spending time with him. I remember at one point adding up the days and it had been 22 days since Jason had seen the kids. We weren't what he wanted anymore. It was so heartbreaking to watch as the kids stopped asking when he would be home. I think inside they knew a lot more than they could actually understand. <br />
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I tried my hardest to hold myself together for my kids and I would try anything and everything to not cry in front of them if I could help it. I would wait until they were all asleep and then I would go into my closet, shut the door, and cry. Carson always knew. I don't know how, but he did. He would crawl out of bed and come find me, begging me to stop crying. It broke my heart. He would look at me with those terrified and desperate eyes and beg me. So, most of the time, I would. He would crawl into my bed with me and hang onto me as if he thought I was leaving him forever. He was probably scared I would.<br />
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I started crying in the shower after a while, thinking the sound of the water would cover up my tears. It didn't work. Carson always knew. Even when my tears were silent tears that would hit me as I folded laundry or was looking for my shoes, Carson always knew. It was if he had a sixth sense of when I would cry. He wouldn't leave my side until he was sure I was done crying and was "better."<br />
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I had some pink chapstick that I used to put on at night before I went to bed. I remember one day I was crying in my bed and Carson came running into my room. He went into the bathroom, grabbed a Q-tip, and that chapstick, and scooped out a huge glob of it. He brought it to me and handed it to me. I was so confused at why he would do that. As he handed it to me, he asked me if it made me happy because he knew that I liked that "lip stuff." When I told him that it made me very happy, I could see the relief on his face. He just wanted me to be happy. He started bringing me Q-tips with chapstick on them when I would cry after that. My sweet little boy. <br />
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One day, I told Carson that his daddy was on his way to come get him to spend some time with him. Carson instantly started crying and telling me he didn't want him to come. I remember thinking, <i>"Heavenly Father, how do I do this? I don't want him to come either, but I can't tell my child that. Please help me!"</i> I knelt down next to him and asked Carson why he didn't want his daddy to come that day. His answer was heartbreaking.<br />
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<i>"Because everytime he comes, you cry. He always makes you cry."</i></div>
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I watched him closely after that. Sure enough, anytime Jason was around, Carson wouldn't leave my side. If I ever asked him to go play so that Jason and I could talk, he refused. He wouldn't leave me. He became my protector and his little hand in mind gave me strength to face another day. We became a team, this wise little 4 year old and I. I felt like he was carrying around this burden that was much too heavy for him, and it worried me. </div>
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I took him to counseling. I explained everything to the counselor and she sat silently watching Carson play. She asked me how much he saw. I explained that until Jason told me about the affair, life had been normal. As soon as Jason told me, he became a completely different person. He would scream at me in front of the kids, make me cry, hit the wall, door, car - you name it. He would kick things, throw things, and get so angry that he would clinch his hands into fists and scream. He had never done any of that before, so it was scary for all of us. I explained how Carson wouldn't leave my side, how he always knew when I was crying, how he wouldn't be alone in a room anymore without becoming scared, and how he watched his daddy turn into a person who didn't even want to be with the kids. What she said surprised me. She told me that it was better that he saw some of that then nothing. I'm sure she saw the confusion on my face, so she continued. She said if Jason had just left and moved out without Carson seeing some of the things he did, it would actually be more traumatizing and harder for him to understand. The fact that he saw some of the things he did made it easier for him when Jason left. It was a relief to him too. </div>
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One night, a few months later, as Carson and I were laying in bed about to go to sleep, I asked him if he would say our prayer. In the middle of his prayer, Carson said thanks for letting Jesus come visit on Tuesday. After the prayer, I asked him what he was talking about. His sweet little answer brought me more comfort than I had felt in a long time. <i>"Jesus comes and visits me on Tuesdays. He sends angels on the other days, but on Tuesdays He comes."</i> We weren't alone. We had angels watching over us and protecting us through this horrible time in our lives, and I knew in that moment that my kids were going to be ok. We had angels and the Lord on our side. The faith of my children always strengthened my own when I needed a little extra. Carson is a child of pure faith. It is one of his gifts. </div>
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My sweet little boy turns 5 today. Five. He has had to go through more than any 5 year old should, and yet he has handled it all like a champ. He is the man of our house and my right-hand little helper. He has had to grow up so much in the last year and some days I worry that he is losing his innocence too fast. He is such a tenderhearted little boy and is constantly telling me how much he loves me and always wants a hug and a kiss. I wish I could keep him this age forever and savor every moment. Oh, how I love him.</div>
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Happy Birthday, dearest Carson. You are an incredible little boy and one of the most amazing spirits I know. You are destined for great things and I am so blessed to be able to be your mommy. Thank you for being my best friend and for always being there when I needed someone. You are forever my hero. I love you to the moon and back, to Pluto, the milkyway, and to the faraway mountains. Here is to making 5 the best year ever. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-16582050486244591422015-05-08T00:01:00.000-07:002015-07-15T23:24:39.224-07:00Bentley and Beckham<div class="MsoNormal">
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{page:WordSection1;} </style>Because the twins were so high risk, we were hoping to make
it to 32 weeks. That was our goal. At 31.5 weeks, I went into labor. Jason had
the kids for the weekend, so after a day of really strong contractions and
feeling pretty yucky, I finally went into the hospital. Sure enough, I was in
labor and already dilated to a 4. Dr. L. put me on a medication to stop my
labor and warned me that it would make me feel awful. Boy did it ever!! After 3
days in the hospital, I they had my labor controlled enough that I could go
home on bedrest. The next few weeks were miserable! I was huge and
uncomfortable and continued to have contractions every day. </div>
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During the weeks while we waited for the baby boys to make
their arrival, I struggled to decide what to do for the birth of the boys.
Every time I tried to think about who I wanted there, my mind would draw a
blank. Nothing really felt right. Finally, I decided that I would just do it
alone. I had carried the boys through the hardest pregnancy alone and I thought
that I would just bring them into this world alone as well. It was sad to me.
It was another reminder to me that I wasn’t married anymore. I didn’t have a
husband to be by my side for the birth of our miracle twins. I spent many
nights in tears as I laid awake, struggling with the fact that I was divorced
and that the father of these babies didn’t want me anymore. I reflected on the
birth of my 3 other children and how special each of those days were because
they were experiences that I shared with him. This time, he didn’t love me. He
wasn’t going to be there to hold my hand and he wasn’t going to be there as we
brought these special spirits into this world. It was devastating to me. </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What had I done to
deserve this? Why did I have to suffer through this by myself?</i></div>
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One day, I was talking to my counselor, and we were
discussing the upcoming birth of the twins. She asked me who was going to be
there with me. I told her that I was going to do it alone. She didn’t say much,
but asked me if I had thought about asking their dad to be present. At first I
was a little stunned. </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Really??! The man that
had put me through all of this heartache? The person that had left me to deal
with all of this alone? The one that had abandoned me at the time I needed him
most? Him?! Why should he get to be there to experience this when he didn’t
deserve it?</i></div>
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The problem was, right when she said it, I knew she was
right. I felt very strongly that it was what Heavenly Father wanted. To be
honest, I wasn’t very happy about it. That night, after I got the kids to bed
and I had a few quiet moments to myself to think, I knelt and prayed. I told
Heavenly Father about all of my frustrations with Him wanting Jason there. </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How was this fair? He
got to walk away, leaving me broken hearted and shattered, and he still gets to
experience this sacred moment? He hasn’t been there for me or for them this
entire time….you remember that, right? You have watched me cry myself to sleep
countless nights, go through morning sickness with 3 little kids, trying to
work and keep my kids’ lives afloat while dealing with this extremely hard
pregnancy – all of it alone. He caused so much emotional damage and despair. He
has caused pain so intense that I can’t find words to describe it accurately.
Now, you want me to allow him to be there for one of the most personal, sacred,
and intimate experiences in this life? I’m still in love with him, and you know
how hard it is to be around him…. Now you want me to let him be there during
this vulnerable time? Do you understand how hard that will be for me? Sharing
this with him while knowing he doesn’t love me and hasn’t been there for me
this whole time?</i></div>
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I let it all out that night. I cried. I cried hard. I cried
for a long time. Finally, when there weren’t any tears left and I was still
lying on the floor, I got the answer to the questions I had been asking.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“This isn’t about him
and it’s not about you. This is about these precious little boys. They deserve
to have both of their parents present when they enter this life. I understand
how hard this will be for you, but please trust me. This is about them.
Although you don’t understand all of this, there is a plan. Trust me.”</i></div>
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It was for the kids. For the first time since I had known
that he needed to be there, I felt peace. It was for my kids. </div>
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Being divorced is hard. I never wanted it. I still can’t
believe it happened. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. For
me, my love for my husband didn’t go away. When I got married, I promised <u>forever</u>.
I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop loving him. It wasn’t ever supposed
to. Needless to say, being around him is very hard for me. It stings. It’s
torture. It’s a reminder of a life that I loved that is now lost. I’ve had to
learn how to put that aside for my children. I knew that I didn’t want them to
feel like they had to pick which parent they wanted at certain events. We
needed to figure out a way to both be present and have good feelings. I have
spent countless hours pleading for the strength to be able to do that.
Christmas, birthdays, holidays…. We have made it work. We have been able to be
there, be kind, be loving, and be supportive – as parents. My kids have been
able to have both parents there for them, which they need so desperately. It is
extremely hard to do. Most times, after the day is over, I climb into bed and
sob. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted this life, but I will do
anything for my kids, even if that means putting myself through painful days so
that my kids can have both parents around. This was going to be another one of
those experiences. </div>
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The day finally arrived. </div>
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The twins were born by C-Section on February 27, 2015.
Bentley Clark Messano (6lbs 12oz) was born at 7:27am. Beckham Jeffrey Messano
(5lbs 6oz) joined us a minute later. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
entire experience was full of emotion for me. I tried to put on a brave face,
but inside I was hurting. I was scared about having a C-Section, I was worried
about the twins, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to keep my
composure in front of everyone. After I was prepped and ready, they brought
Jason in. He was able to watch as his baby boys were born and I knew how
special that moment was for both of us. Once they were here, Jason went with
the boys into the NICU. I was alone as they finished everything and sent me to
the recovery room. I didn’t have anyone there holding my hand the whole time. I
didn’t have someone there to make sure I was ok. I didn’t have a husband there
for me, worried about me. I was alone - and I felt it. It wasn’t supposed to be
that way. The birth of a child should be a bonding experience full of love. I
was alone. That fact was very evident in the operating room that morning. After
he left and followed the boys, I felt the tears building. As they silently
started to fall, I felt a warmth consume my entire body. Heavenly Father
stepped in at that moment to fill in the gaps. </div>
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The entire experience has strengthened my testimony in
Heavenly Father's plan and in the importance of families. The Family
Proclamation states, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of
matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows
with complete fidelity." Now, more than ever, I have a testimony that this
is true! It was very hard on me to not have my husband by my side through this,
especially as it brought up memories of the times we shared when our 3 other
sweet children were brought into this world. There are days when the unfairness
of it all seeks to drag me down. Through it all, I am grateful for the
Atonement. Christ is able to step in during times when life is hard and unfair
and heal parts of your heart that you couldn’t imagine ever healing. He stepped
in that day for me. </div>
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I am so glad that their dad was able to be there that day. Although it was extremely difficult for me, the boys needed us both there. Those moments when a baby is new are precious, tender moments. I know they could feel us both there and I know that they felt loved.</div>
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Bentley and Beckham are my little miracle babies. They are
special spirits and I know there are great things in store for them. I am so
honored to be their mother. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-24135853050736106442015-04-16T10:33:00.002-07:002015-04-16T10:33:31.786-07:00I needed a getawayI needed to get away. That was all I knew.<br />
<br />
As our divorce paperwork was finally wrapping up and the chances that I had to save my marriage were coming to an end, I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was on auto-pilot. I functioned, but barely. I felt like my entire life was slipping through my fingers and the harder I tried to tighten my grip, the more it escaped my grasp. I found myself getting angry and experiencing emotions that I didn't know how to handle. I was desperate. I begged him to change his mind. I tried anything and everything. None of it worked. He was done. He was done with me.<br />
<br />
I needed to get away. That was all I knew.<br />
<br />
I packed my bags and headed to Utah to stay with a friend. She had been there through it all with me and I needed her that day. She was the first person that told me that I needed to be prepared for divorce. When she said it I remember thinking that it wasn't going to get that far. Surely he would see that he really did want our marriage and our family and he would stay. He didn't stay.<br />
<br />
It was on that drive to Utah that he signed the divorce papers.<br />
<br />
I needed to get away.<br />
<br />
While I was in Utah, I was able to go to a conference called, <a href="http://www.togethernessproject.org/" target="_blank">The Togetherness Project</a>. It was a conference for women who have been through heartbreak and betrayal. My friend, Ashlee Birk (<a href="http://www.themomentswestand.com/" target="_blank">The Moments We Stand</a>) was going to be the keynote speaker and had given me a ticket to attend. I thought it would be a small conference with a couple dozen women. I was wrong. There were hundreds.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtLIhH0aWfrWfq6-i02LTT1U_UZJZkBQb2OP3SPMgGbaV3BfJSpRnVGWfnnkWyV8JYkC9W2fTbzFTrCDEaleXoyFC7oCwzJB-L9MULsq6fORiNkUuf4NWzJPAgVlEJVTjs_LVf6RFc2JLG/s1600/Togetherness_Project.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtLIhH0aWfrWfq6-i02LTT1U_UZJZkBQb2OP3SPMgGbaV3BfJSpRnVGWfnnkWyV8JYkC9W2fTbzFTrCDEaleXoyFC7oCwzJB-L9MULsq6fORiNkUuf4NWzJPAgVlEJVTjs_LVf6RFc2JLG/s1600/Togetherness_Project.jpg" height="400" width="312" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ashlee and I</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i>I walked into the ballroom of the hotel and I saw a sea of faces, I was shocked. How could there possibly be this many women at this conference?!</i> It devastated me. <i>How many women have suffered through what I was suffering through? </i><br />
<br />
I knew no one. I was intimidated. I thought about turning around and walking out the door and going home. Honestly, I didn't know if I was ready to face the reality of the road I was about to walk down. I didn't want to be divorced! I didn't want this to be my life and my story! The problem was, I didn't have a choice. He had made that choice for me. Now, I had to decide how to handle it all. I stayed.<br />
<br />
As I walked through the tables full of women, I silently said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to know where to sit. I didn't know any of these women or their stories, but I needed someone by my side that day. As I was passing a table with a few women, I felt like that was where I needed to sit, so I sat. I am so grateful that I did. I met two of the most amazing women that day. They were friends who had come to the conference together, both having been through the pain of betrayal and affairs. Both knew what it was like to have your heart ripped out. Both knew the shock of finding out that your husband hadn't been faithful. Both knew the trauma that it does to your body and all of the emotions that you have to deal with. Both knew what it was like to look in the mirror and wonder why you weren't enough. I needed them. <br />
<br />
I learned a lot at that conference. I learned about Betrayal Trauma and what it does to you emotionally, physically, and mentally. I learned about addictions and how to know if someone has really changed. I learned about grief and all of it's many forms. I learned about the long road of recovery that I had ahead of me. But most importantly, I learned that I wasn't alone. I was surrounded by amazing, beautiful, and talented women who had all been through some sort of betrayal. They were surviving, and so would I. <br />
<br />
I left that conference inspired, educated, and with new friends to help me through this trial. I have leaned on them often. I know I can text them when I have a breakdown or I feel alone or I need someone who really gets it. I also left with the name of a counselor in my area who specialized in Betrayal Trauma. She has been able to help me understand why I react to different situations the way I do and how to work through some of the stages of grief. It's amazing how Heavenly Father knows what we need and is willing to help us in any way He can. Often, He helps us through other people. I have been amazed at how much love and support I have received through this experience. It's because of all of the love and support that I received that I want to be able to help someone else who may be in a similar situation.<br />
<br />
On May 9th, Ashlee is going to be holding a Conference in Boise, Idaho and she has graciously given me a ticket to give to someone who could benefit from attending. The name of the conference is <a href="http://www.areasontostand.com/" target="_blank">A Reason To Stand</a> and it will be an uplifting day filled with speakers, therapists, and counselors. It is a <span class="caption">conference for all who have ever felt broken. </span><br />
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If you would like to be considered for a ticket to attend, please email me your story at natalie.messano@gmail.com. I will pick someone on April 22nd, so please share this with anyone you feel would benefit from going to this amazing conference. <br />
<br />
We all deserve to know that we ARE enough. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that and find <a href="http://www.areasontostand.com/" target="_blank">A Reason to Stand</a>.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-71152831828773644212015-03-16T09:58:00.000-07:002015-03-16T09:58:06.537-07:00Empty SpacesEvery fall we had a family tradition of taking family pictures. Some
people think that is crazy to take one every year, but I am a picture
person. I love to capture memories and look back at things we have done
and how our family has changed and grown. I made sure we did it every
year. This year - I didn't want to do it.<br />
<br />
Several
people had mentioned that taking family pictures might be a good idea so
that the kids could see that we were still a family. I wasn't ready for
that yet. It was too soon for me. I didn't want to accept the fact that
our family wasn't the same anymore. We were missing someone. I was
missing someone. The kids were missing someone. I didn't want there to
be an empty space next to me. I certainly didn't want to see that empty
space that I already felt every. single. day. magnified in a picture. <br />
<br />
It
just so happened that my brother and his wife were coming to visit, and
it was the first time that we were all going to be together since
Brooklyn was a newborn and we took family pictures the weekend of her
blessing. Everyone in my family wanted family pictures, and, I'll admit
- it was hard to see the big family picture in my parent's living room
every time I was there - but the thought of pictures made me anxious. We
contacted the <a href="http://photography.ceemebe.com/" target="_blank">photographer</a> and set the date and time. I never really said much to my family about the pictures, but inside I was dreading them.<br />
<br />
I
had been doing really well the week leading up to the pictures. I was
busy and finally getting into some sort of routine, but the closer the
pictures got, the further back I went. I was anxious and had a constant
pit in my stomach. I felt like I was reliving that month when I found
out everything all over again. I was miserable. I was a mess. I was
embarrassed and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I felt
like my emotions were crazy. <i>I just don't want to see the empty space
in the picture..... It's like it would make all of this real.....Our
family is missing someone right now.....I don't need a picture to remind
me of that....but I don't want to see pictures of my "old" family
either.....I guess I just don't want to see pictures.</i><br />
<br />
That was the thing - all those millions of pictures I had taken over the last 7 years were painful to look at now. <i> </i>I
couldn't do it. I took the picture screen saver off of our Apple TV
because I didn't want to be reminded of my life before I found out about
all the secrets. I put the stacks of pictures I had printed for baby
books in a box downstairs. Every picture was a memory and the memories
were too hard to think about. In those pictures, I was happy. We were
happy. We were a family. We loved each other. At least in those moments I
believed those things. Now I wasn't sure how many of them were real.
All of those happy moments were tainted to me now. They hurt in ways
that are hard to describe. They all represented a life that I loved that
wasn't going to come back. Pictures that had been a source of happiness
at one time were now a source of bitterness. They were a constant
reminder of a life lost and a family broken. They made me angry.<br />
<br />
As
I watched my siblings start taking pictures with their families that
day, a part of me ached inside. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to
fit in again. I wanted to be married and happy and in love again.
Instead, I felt like the outsider. I was the single one. I was the
divorced one. I was the miserable one who was dying inside. I did not
want or need a reminder that I was not loved by the one person who
should have been standing next to me.<br />
<br />
Then it was our turn.<br />
<br />
The
prayers I had been saying all day to not break down were silently
uttered again as I grabbed my kids and sat down for our pictures. <i>All
we had to do was smile. I could do that much. I could do it for my kids
to show them that we were strong. We were still a family.</i> <i>Just smile at the camera and think about the kids.</i><br />
<br />
In
that moment, when all I was trying to do was put a fake smile on my
face and pretend to be happy, I felt a warmth and a love that I can't
describe surround me. In that moment, all of those empty spaces I had
dreaded seeing in a picture were filled. In that moment, Heavenly Father
knew that one of His daughters was hurting and needed to be reminded
that she WAS loved. That's exactly what He did. He filled in all of the
empty spaces and reminded me that I was loved. I was loved by Him, and I
was going to be okay because of that. I was going to be okay. I was
going to make it. I WAS loved. Then - I smiled. I smiled and I didn't
have to fake it in that moment. I'm pretty positive that my kids felt it
too. You can see it in the picture. In that moment we all felt loved,
we felt normal, and we felt whole again. Even if it was just for that
moment, that moment was enough to get us through those pictures, and
those pictures are enough to get us through those moments that we
forget. <br />
<br />
It's easy to forget sometimes that there <u>is</u>
a plan, especially in those moments when the pain is real and the
memories of happier times are overwhelming. It's easy to forget that,
although I might not be loved by my husband, I am loved by my Heavenly
Father. It's easy to forget when I feel lonely or wish there was someone
to talk to at the end of the day, that He has never left my side. It's
easy to forget. That's how Satan works on me. He wants to overwhelm me
and make me feel alone. He wants me to be angry and frustrated with the
way my life has turned out. He wants me to forget.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am working on remembering. </div>
<br />
There
is a plan. I am loved. I am not alone. I am a daughter of my Heavenly
Father who loves me, and I love Him. He is there to fill in all the
empty spaces - every single one.<br />
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-28283397612267102592014-11-16T07:55:00.000-08:002015-05-07T16:21:13.350-07:00My Personal Scarlet LetterWhen Jason and I were first married we set some "rules" that we were going to live by. One was that we would never sleep on the couch or somewhere else if we were angry, and the other was that we would never use the word "divorce" as an option. I even wrote them down in my journal. For our entire marriage we lived by those rules. Oh, there were times when we would have to go in the other room to cool off, but we never slept apart when we were upset. I never, ever dreamed that divorce would ever be something I would deal with. Ever. How ironic that the one word we never used would become my new reality.<br />
<br />
Somedays, I feel like I walk around with my own scarlet letter - a giant "D" for the entire world to see. I feel like anyone can see it or sense it when I walk by, like they must magically know that I'm divorced. Although I know that no one else sees it or thinks that, I do. It's something I'm going to have to work through on my own and I'm going to have to accept the changes that have come to my life. I'm working on it.<br />
<br />
I feel like this all happened so fast. I found out on the 21st of June. I found out I was pregnant. He moved out a few days later. We filed for divorce in August, the same day I found out I was having twins. None of it ever really felt real. It was like I was living a dream and at some point it would all be over and life would go back to normal.<br />
<br />
When things started to wrap up with our divorce paperwork, part of me started to panic. <i>He hadn't changed his mind yet.... was he really going to do this? Surely not. Right? At some point he would realize that his 3 little kids and his wife - pregnant with his twins - were worth it and he would come back to us......right?</i> The more I began to panic the more angry and emotional I became. <i>Please, Heavenly Father....please don't let this happen. Please give me a miracle.</i> <i>Please don't let this happen to my sweet family! </i><br />
<br />
It happened anyways. He let me know the day he was going in to sign the papers. I was devastated. I packed my bags and headed to Utah to spend some time with some friends and to go to a conference (more about that later). I needed to get out of the town that we called home. I needed to get away from the office where he was going to sign away our family. I needed some space to breathe...I needed air....I needed something.<br />
<br />
Every time we would drive to Utah, we would always pass landmarks from our wedding. The hotel we stayed in, the IHOP where we had our first breakfast as a married couple, the Target that we roamed through the night before our wedding, and finally the Bountiful Temple. It had always been fun to point them out before and we ALWAYS did. This time, driving past each one of those landmarks was painful. It hurt. The tears started coming and then the anger started. Finally, up ahead, the temple sat on the hill. I had gotten so used to watching it as we would drive through that my eyes couldn't stray from it. I watched it as I drove. This place of peace and happiness was a reminder to me of a life lost and a marriage gone. Then, as if on queue, my phone went off. I glanced down to see, <i>"Papers signed."</i> I sobbed. Angels must have taken over the wheel because I sobbed. He signed the papers as I was staring at the temple we promised each other forever in.<br />
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The next week I knew I had to go in and sign. I didn't want to. It felt so wrong to me. I didn't want to be divorced, I didn't want to break up my family or my marriage, and I didn't agree with what was happening. I knew I needed to get it over with, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to actually do it.<br />
<br />
I decided to take my kids with me. It was a last minute decision, but I thought that maybe it would help me get it, sign, and leave quickly - all with a distraction. I loaded them up and made the drive to my attorney's office. The entire way there I kept telling myself that I could do this, it was just one more step in the process, it was just a signature.<br />
<br />
We walked in and they took us into the conference room where I had sat so many times working through the paperwork with my attorney. The kids explored the room and I stood staring at the vase of flowers in the middle of the table, giving myself the same pep talk I had all morning. My attorney's assistant came in with the paperwork and set it on the table in front of me. I flipped through each page until I found the page with our signatures. When I turned the page over and saw his signature on the line above his name - staring at me in blue ink - all strength I had found that morning left and I lost it. I couldn't hold back the tears and they spilled over. Poor Debbie watched as I struggled to even lift the pen. I stared at his signature - the same signature I had grown to love over the last 7 years - the same signature I saw so many times - was now on a document saying that he didn't want me or our life together anymore. There it was for all the world to see...his signature in bright blue ink, like a seal on every insecurity I had developed over the last few months. <i>I wasn't enough. He didn't love me. He didn't want me. He didn't want our life or our little family anymore. He didn't care about my dreams or my future. He would rather be with someone else, anyone else. I wasn't worth it. He was done with me. </i><br />
<br />
I finally found the strength to add my signature to the page and set the pen back down on the table. I looked at Debbie for the first time since I had found his signature and saw the understanding in her eyes. Then I sobbed - face in my hands, shoulders shaking, uncontrollably consuming - I cried. It was at that point that Carson and Brooklyn realized that something was going on and came to my side. It's pretty sad when your kids become so used to you crying that they don't ask you why anymore. They just hugged my legs and looked up at me with concern on their innocent little faces. It was enough to break me from my grief and compose myself to leave.<br />
<br />
As we walked out the doors, the kids saw a bunch of leaves and ran over to the pile to play in them. I sat down on the steps and let them play for a few minutes while I gained my composure. I watched them play and my heart ached for them. They were so innocent. They had no idea, as they jumped in the leaves, that I had just signed papers ending my marriage to their daddy. They had no idea that what had just happened would change their lives forever. They just played and giggled in their innocence. I watched them and ached for all of the challenges and struggles they would have to face because of what just happened in that office.<br />
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<br />
As I sat there watching them, I felt a sweet peace come over me. I wasn't alone on those steps. I realized, as I felt the calming peace come, that my kids would be okay. Just like Heavenly Father had helped me through this and had the confidence that I could do it - He wouldn't leave them either and they were strong enough to handle this. I have always known that I have been blessed with amazing children, and I had no doubt in that moment that they had been prepared for this. I just needed to teach them about the Gospel and about their Savior, and they would make it through this. Just like Heavenly Father had faith in me, I had faith in my children. They were strong. I was strong. Together, we were even stronger. We were going to be ok. We were going to make it. Not without help, but we were going to make it. <br />
<br />
The judge signed the papers a few days later on the 21st of October, making it official. Exactly 4 months from the day I found out. 4 months - start to finish. It's amazing to me how quickly your entire world can change. When I look back on those 4 months, however, I see other changes that I am grateful for. I have grown in ways that I would have never imagined. My relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior are stronger than ever before. Where my trust in one person was shattered, my trust in Them is irreplaceable. I'm growing and becoming someone new. I now know that I can do hard things and I have found a strength that I didn't know existed. I am learning how to turn things over to my Savior and apply the Atonement in ways that I couldn't have understood before and I am in awe of the love I feel from my Heavenly Father on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
Right now I feel like I wear my own scarlet letter, but I'm ok with that. Like everything else, I know there will be a source of good that will come of it. I'll get there. One day at a time. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-50314373362910907572014-10-22T20:35:00.000-07:002014-10-22T20:35:18.602-07:00After the Downpour<div style="text-align: center;">
My wedding picture still hangs on the wall in my room.</div>
<br />
I woke up yesterday in a dark mood. I didn't sleep well, the kids were already up and it was only 6am, and I could just tell that I was going to be in a bad place that day. Some days are like that when I wake up. It was raining outside and the wind was blowing. It was cold. The weather seemed to fit my mood perfectly. I laid in bed and listened to the kids for a few minutes and stared at my wedding picture. I know I should probably take it down, and I've even done it a few times, but it always ends up back on the wall. I'm not ready to take it down yet. I know I should, but I can't. That picture represents more to me than just my marriage. Oh, it represents so much more.<br />
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One of my very first weeknight activities when I turned twelve and entered Young Women was a temple time capsule activity. We had a lesson on temple marriage and eternal families, and then we made a time capsule to open when we got engaged. We got to flip through magazines and cut out pictures of wedding dresses we liked, colors we wanted our wedding party to wear, which temple we wanted to get married in, our future kids names, how many kids we wanted to have, our goals for our family...... You name it, we talked about it. It was any twelve year old girl's dream. At the very end we wrote our future spouse a letter and then we sealed the can. <br />
<br />
I carried that can around with me for 9 years. It stayed in my hope chest during high school and eventually followed me to college. With it came all of those dreams from that twelve year old girl. I knew what I wanted and I couldn't wait for the day when that would come true. I wanted to get married in the temple to someone who loved me and have a family. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to have kids, and lots of them!<br />
<br />
When Jason and I were engaged I opened the time capsule I had carried around all those years. It was fun to look at the things that I had written down when I was twelve. My taste in dresses had changed and so had the colors and the flowers, but the majority of it was the same. I had finally made it. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but I had tried my hardest to do what was right so that I could be sealed in the temple and start a family with the man that I loved. It was finally happening. I let Jason read the letter I had written and we laughed at some of the things I had said, but I was happy. My dreams were coming true. We were married in the Bountiful Temple. I loved him. Oh, how I loved him.<br />
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<br />
I was still in bed thinking about everything going on while the sky lightened. I started a new job this week to help me pay the bills now that I am a single mom. The job is a blessing, and one that I know Heavenly Father put in my path since I didn't seek it out, but it means putting my kids back in daycare and working outside of my home. I knew that I needed to get up and get going or we would all be late. I got up and got the kids ready, lost in my own thoughts while the kids ate breakfast and played. I could feel the anger simmering under the surface, but I kept pushing it back down. We rushed around getting dressed and then I hurried the kids out the door and into the car. I was snapping at them and I was frustrated. We finally backed the van out of the garage and into the rain.<br />
<br />
While we were driving to daycare, my emotions were a mess. I hated this. I hated every minute of it. I LOVED being at home with my kids. It meant the world to me. I had been a working mom once and I had counted down until I could be at home with my kids. I had finally reached that goal and now it was being taken away from me. Then, almost as if he could read my thoughts, Carson asked me from the backseat, <i>"Mom, how come we can't just stay home with you like we used to? I liked it when we could all just stay home."</i><br />
<br />
That did it for me. That anger that had been threatening to bubble over all morning attacked with full force. I was furious! I was angry! I could feel my hands start shaking on the steering wheel as I attempted to calmly answer Carson's question, but inside I was raging. I was angry for me, I was angry for my kids, and I was angry for that twelve year old girl who had her dreams ripped away through no fault of her own. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. The two things I had wanted most in life were taken from me. I was no longer a wife. I could no longer be at home with my kids. Gone. I didn't have a choice in the matter, I didn't have a say. Those two dreams were ripped away because of someone else's selfishness and I was furious. The rain outside matched how I felt inside. <br />
<br />
<i>How could the person I loved more than anyone else, the one person that was supposed to protect me and love me and cherish me - how could he hurt me this way? How could he shatter those dreams that he knew were so precious to me? How could you do something so devastating to someone who loved you so much?</i><br />
<br />
In that moment I felt like the hurt and the grief were too much to handle. I felt like I didn't have any hope left. This trial was going to follow me for the rest of my mortal life. I will always have to share my kids. Family traditions, holidays, birthdays, vacations - all of it would be changed forever. I will always have to see him and know that he doesn't love me anymore. It is a constant reminder that I wasn't enough for him, that he didn't want me, that my family is broken. This was never part of the dream. The thoughts overwhelmed me. This life is really long and it's not going away.<br />
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That's when I saw it. Through the rain, up ahead, the clouds were breaking up and there was a beautiful full rainbow. It was the biggest, brightest, and most breath-taking rainbow I have ever seen. I pulled the car over and let Carson and Brooklyn roll down the window to look at it. It was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I got out and took a few pictures and as I was walking back to the car I had a thought come to me that I knew was the Spirit teaching me.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>We can't have rainbows without the rain. Sometimes, in the middle of it all, we can't see anything but the downpour. I know it's overwhelming, and you are right, it won't ever be the same, but it can still turn into something beautiful with His help. You aren't alone in this. He knows how broken your heart is. He understands. </i></blockquote>
I got back into my car and felt peace for the first time all day. I was still hurting inside, and I was still angry, but I had hope. Hope that at some point down the road my life will have it's rainbow. I've just got to make it through this downpour.<br />
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For now, my wedding picture will stay on the wall in my bedroom. I'm not ready to fully embrace the loss of my marriage and the twelve year old girl inside of me isn't ready to let go of those dreams. Let's be honest - she never should have had to. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-19859191488108689222014-10-14T14:33:00.000-07:002014-10-14T14:33:06.427-07:00Twin Pops<br />
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Last week was an emotional week. Well, let's be honest, what week hasn't been emotional? I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and found out that I was right - the twins are BOYS! Carson is pretty excited to have some brothers and I'm a little excited too.<br />
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The twins are identical. We know that for sure because they are Mo/Di twins. Mo/di twins share a placenta, but each baby has it’s own amniotic sac.
My doctors explained mo/di twin by saying they share a placenta and are
in the same outer sac, but have a thin membrane dividing them which
creates separate amnitoic sacs. Mo/di twins are always identical and are considered mid-risk in the twin world.
Anytime babies share a placenta, they are at risk for twin-to-twin
transfusion syndrome (TTTS), which basically means the blood and
nutrients from one baby (the donor twin) are going through the placenta
to the other twin (the recipient twin). In the past, developing TTTS
resulted in devastating prognoses, but in recent years, thanks to
development of new procedures, twins with TTTS have a much better chance
of survival if it is caught early. There is a 1 in 7 chance of mo/di twins
developing TTTS.<br />
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So far the boys look healthy and are progressing great! The further along I get in the pregnancy, the more we will know what time frame they will arrive in and what their condition will be. I'm told that if I make it to 28 weeks everyone will sigh with relief and each 2 weeks after that we will all do jumping jacks. They will most likely come between 30-32 weeks, which puts us in January.<br />
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It's crazy where life takes you. I never imagined being a single mom to 3 kids and pregnant with twins - but here we are!<br />
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As for names...... Let's hear your suggestions! I have NO IDEA!! :)<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-30046272719400935312014-10-10T05:00:00.000-07:002014-10-15T08:35:08.891-07:00"Meet This Mormon"<div style="text-align: center;">
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We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints otherwise known as "The Mormons". We are proud of this part of who we are! We are excited to team up with over 65+ of us strong... to extend an invitation to see a film. A film entitled <a href="http://meetthemormons.com/#/filter-all/page-1">"Meet The Mormons"</a>. This film is not meant to be an "in your face" - you must join our church film. It is simply designed and produced to uplift and inspire you through six stories of those of our faith who have followed promptings to follow Christ more fully in their lives. We hope you take the opportunity to enjoy this <a href="http://meetthemormons.com/#/filter-all/page-1">film</a>. We hope your hearts are made light as you feel the goodness that comes from following our Christ and Savior. All proceeds from the film will be donated to The American Red Cross. So not only will you be uplifted and inspired, your money will be going to an amazing charity!!</div>
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We also would like to take a moment and share our personal testimonies, stories of our own personal conversions, and our own stories of how following our Savior, Jesus Christ has changed our lives. The light of the gospel of Jesus Christ offers a joy and hope that only following him can provide. We hope as you click through and read our stories and testimonies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you will feel uplifted and encouraged. We are by you! We love connecting with our readers, that is why many of us do what we do! Please be kind and considerate in your comments. It takes great bravery for us to open our hearts and our mouths to share with you such a tender and personal part of who we are. We share because we feel strongly the need to share the peace and the hope that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
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<a href="http://maybeiwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Im-A-Mormon-1.jpg"><img alt="I'm A Mormon #1" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-1723" src="http://maybeiwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Im-A-Mormon-1.jpg" height="700" width="700" /></a></div>
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Adrienne |<a href="http://www.freetimefrolics.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html"> Free Time Frolics </a> , Camille | <a href="http://www.cknscratch.com/missionary-now/2014/10/8/meet-this-mormon">Chicken Scratch n' Sniff </a>, Natalie & Rebekah | <a href="http://www.houseofsprinkles.com/2014/10/meet-these-mormons.html">House of Sprinkles </a>, Kathleen|<a href="http://www.fearlesslycreativemammas.com/2014/10/i-am-mormon.html"> Fearlessly Creative Moms</a></div>
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Emily | <a href="http://wp.me/p2Ny7W-1Hv">The Benson Street </a>, Staci | <a href="http://www.thepotters-place.com/2014/10/general-conference-2014.html">The Potter's Place</a>, Alyssa |<a href="http://existenceofwonder.blogspot.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon-alyssa-jensen.html"> Alyssa.Marie </a>, Kristen | <a href="http://www.kristendukephotography.com/?p=23632">Capturing Joy </a>, Aly | <a href="http://www.entirelyeventfulday.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Entirely Eventful Day</a></div>
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Katie | <a href="http://www.clarkscondensed.com/everything-else/meet-mormons/">Clarks Condensed</a>, Larissa | <a href="http://bit.ly/1oVrC3z">Just Another Day In Paradise </a>, Camille | <a href="http://www.mymommystyle.com/2014/10/10/meet-mormons-m%E2%80%A6onal-testimony/">My Mommy Style </a>, Candice | <a href="http://www.shescraftycrafty.com/2014/10/meet-mormon.html">She's Crafty </a></div>
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Anita | <a href="http://livelikeyouarerich.com/">Live Like You Are Rich</a>, Landee | <a href="http://www.landeeseelandeedo.com/?p=2017">Landee Lu </a>, Tara & Devin | <a href="http://saltandpeppermoms.blogspot.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Salt & Pepper Moms </a>, Mallory & Savannah |<a href="http://www.classyclutter.net/2014/10/meet-these-mormons.html"> Classy Clutter </a> Kelli & Kristi|<a href="http://lollyjane.com/?p=13309"> Lolly Jane </a></div>
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McKenzie | <a href="http://www.girllovesglam.com/2014/10/meet-mormon.html">Girl Loves Glam </a> , Pam & Lisa | <a href="http://wp.me/p2yqPN-5DF">Over The Big Moon </a>, Melanie | <a href="http://www.fortyeighteen.com/i-know/">Forty Eighteen</a> , Sky | <a href="http://www.creativecapitalb.com/2014/10/meet-these-mormons.html">Capital B </a> Adell |<a href="http://www.bakedinaz.com/"> Baked in Arizona </a></div>
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<a href="http://maybeiwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Im-a-Mormon-2.jpg"><img alt="I'm a Mormon #2" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-1722" src="http://maybeiwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Im-a-Mormon-2.jpg" height="700" width="700" /></a></div>
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Andie | <a href="http://wp.me/p4PqSn-rA">Maybe I Will </a> , Shatzi | <a href="http://www.loveandlaundry.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Love and Laundry </a>, Robyn | <a href="http://www.createitgo.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Create it Go </a>, Rachel | <a href="http://www.randrworkshop.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">R & R Workshop</a></div>
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Tiffany | <a href="http://www.feelgreatin8.com/feelgreatblog/?p=1020%20">Feel Great In 8 </a> , Katelyn | <a href="http://www.whatsupfagans.com/2014/10/meet-mormon">What Up Fagens? </a>, Brittany | <a href="http://brittanybullen.com/blog/meet-this-mormon/">BrittanyBullen </a> , Ginger |<a href="http://bit.ly/1rg9Ojf"> Ginger Snap Crafts </a>, Stephanie | <a href="http://www.craftingintherain.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Crafting In The Rain</a></div>
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Chelsey | <a href="http://www.ceemebe.com/2014/10/MeetThisMormon.html">Cee Me Be </a>, Amber |<a href="http://wp.me/p2HBpR-28I"> Crazy Little Projects</a> , Kallie | <a href="http://www.smittenby.net/2014/10/05/6279/">Smitten By</a>, Elyse, Kristen, Lauren, Steph, Kendra & Camille |<a href="http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/?p=21956"> Six Sisters Stuff </a> Annette | <a href="http://www.tipsfromatypicalmomblog.com/meet-these-mormons.html">Tips From A Typical Mom </a></div>
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Amberly | <a href="http://www.lifewithamberlyandjoe.com/2014/10/meet-these-mormons.html%20">Life With Amberly & Joe </a>, Taralyn |<a href="http://www.keepmovingforwardwithme.com/?p=2702"> Keep Moving Forward With Me </a> , Jessica | <a href="http://whatdoesthecoxsay.blogspot.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">What Does The Cox Say? </a> , Lisa | <a href="http://www.mabeyshemadeit.com/meet-mormon">Mabey She Made It</a> , Kiki | <a href="http://kikicomin.com/?p=5007">Kiki & Company</a></div>
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Kierste | <a href="http://simplykierste.com/?p=12262">Simply Kierste </a>, Tayler | <a href="http://www.themorrelltale.com/2014/10/meet-mormons.html">The Morrell Tale</a>, Jennifer | <a href="http://mydaylights.net/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">My Daylights </a>, Cambria | <a href="http://livetobeinspired.blogspot.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Live To Be Inspired</a>, Danielle | <a href="http://www.todaysthebestday.com/meet-this-mormon/">Today's The Best Day </a></div>
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<a href="http://maybeiwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Im-a-Mormon-3-.jpg"><img alt="I'm a Mormon #3" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-1724" src="http://maybeiwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Im-a-Mormon-3-.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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Amber | <a href="http://www.dessertnowdinnerlater.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon/">Dessert Now Dinner Later</a>, Natalie | <a href="http://wp.me/p4bzsh-SL">The Creative Mom</a>, Bobbie | <a href="http://www.avisiontoremember.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">A Vision To Remember </a>, Becky |<a href="http://bit.ly/ZekIiV"> Babes In Hairland </a></div>
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Lisa | <a href="http://www.pebblesandpiggytails.com/2014/10/im-mormon-please-let-me-explain.html">Pebbles & Pigtails </a>, Mandy | <a href="http://www.sugarbeecrafts.com/?p=6591">Sugar Bee Crafts </a>, Krista | <a href="http://reclaimrenewremodel.blogspot.com/">Reclaim, Renew, Remodel </a>, Wendy | <a href="http://mormonmomofsix.blogspot.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Musings, Miracles, and Mayhem</a></div>
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Nat & Holly | <a href="http://sisterssuitcaseblog.com/2014/10/meet-these-mormons.html">My Sister's Suitcase</a>, Britni|<a href="http://www.playpartypin.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html"> Play.Party.Pin</a> , Montserrat | <a href="http://www.cranialhiccups.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Cranial Hiccups </a>, Heidi | <a href="http://www.alivelyhope.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">A Lively Hope </a>, Ashley & Meegan |<a href="http://wp.me/p41lNA-ZG"> Flats to Flip Flops</a></div>
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Alexis | <a href="http://www.weliketolearnaswego.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">We Like to Learn As We Go</a>, Amy | <a href="http://amysorensen.typepad.com/the_english_geek/2014/10/the-path-of-my-faith-meet-this-mormon.html.html">The English Geek </a>, Mariel |<a href="https://www.blogger.com/%20http://oneshetwoshe.com/2014/10/meet-mormon.html"> Or So She Says </a> Carriann | <a href="http://www.ohsweetbasil.com/2014/10/meet-mormon-truth-mormons.html">Oh Sweet Basil</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Kirtley |<a href="http://thegistoffit.com/"> The Gist of It</a> | Aubrey | <a href="http://www.aubreyzaruba.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html">Dreaming of Someday</a>, Natalie|<a href="http://www.themessanos.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html"> The Messanos</a>, Angela |<a href="http://www.handmadeintheheartland.com/2014/10/meet-this-mormon.html"> Handmade In The Heartland</a></div>
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I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and I am a <a href="https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng">MORMON</a>. I am also a survivor of infidelity, betrayal, and heartache - something that I would not be able to overcome without the Gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have always had a testimony of the Gospel from the time I was little. I grew up as a member of the Church and I have never doubted, but the last few months have taken my testimony to a whole new level. I am a MORMON.<br />
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When your life seems to hit rock bottom you have two choices - lose yourself or overcome. I had no choice but to overcome. Being pregnant with twins and having 3 little kids at home makes that choice for you. But it was more than that - even in the darkest of moments, I had hope. One simple word, but that's all it took. Hope. I had hope in my Savior, I had hope in the Atonement, I had hope in the peace the Gospel brings, and I had hope that the covenants that I made in the temple would carry me through. Carry me through they have.<br />
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I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. Not only do They live, but They love us, They know us, and They will never leave us - especially when we need them the very most. In those moments when we need Them the very most, They are there and we realize They have been there the whole time. Are we looking for Them? Do we seek Them? I pray for the comfort of Their presence on a daily basis now. It's the only way I make it through.<br />
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As a mom, I have always felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. There is always so much to do and I always felt like I could be better. There was never enough time, I was not teaching them enough, I was not playing with them enough.... all you moms out there know the drill. Now, I suddenly find myself trying to balance the role of a provider AND a mother - and I feel like I last the last footing I had and I am drowning. I am constantly thinking, "<i>How am I going to do this? I wasn't enough when I was only trying to do one role, now I have to do both! My kids need more than I can give them. I'm sinking over here!</i>" Then, one of my dear sweet friends sent me this picture and I realized exactly how I was going to do this.<br />
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I wasn't going to do it alone. Only through Christ was I going to be able to do this. He would not only lift me and carry me, but He would fill in the gaps. He would make me more than I am and help me be the mother He needs me to be. As Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified,
compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been
as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel
that to be." His <a href="https://www.lds.org/topics/atonement-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng">Atonement</a> makes everything possible, including the ability to make us instruments in His hands.<br />
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I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I know that we have a living prophet, President Thomas S. Monson on the Earth today to lead and guide us. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, and study of it - along side the Bible- will give us guidance and direction in our lives. I know that families can be together forever and I know that we can make sacred covenants in His holy temples that will make that possible. I know that I would not be able to overcome this trial, or any trial, without the Gospel in my life.<br />
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I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a survivor, and I am a <a href="https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng">MORMON</a>.<br />
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If you are wanting to know more and would like a FREE copy of The Book of
Mormon, which is another Testimony of Jesus Christ and his ministry –
please email me! {natalie.messano@gmail.com}<br />
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Are you also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
and would like to share your Mormon.org profile as an added testimony!
Feel free to link up your profile!!<br />
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<!-- end InLinkz script -->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-807702368948858322014-10-03T11:07:00.000-07:002014-10-15T08:33:58.652-07:00Tender Mercies and Mighty Miracles I am not the same person I was 3 months ago. Some changes have been good, others have been presented new challenges. Regardless, I am different.<br />
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3 months ago my world came crumbling down around me so fast that I didn't even have a chance to see it whole one last time. I tried to pick up the pieces as it fell, but the harder I tried, the faster it crumbled, and I was finally left with nothing but ruins to sit amongst. I felt broken. Shattered, really. I felt dead inside. There were days that, by the time I went to sleep, I couldn't tell you what I did that day. I've never known a place like that before. A place so empty and lonely.<br />
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After the initial devastation, there was nothing left to do but start cleaning up the mess. At first, lifting each piece was hard and overwhelming. Some days I might pick up one and put it in its place, other days I couldn't pick up any. Then there were the days when I would go take some of the pieces I had already cleaned up and throw them back in the pile. It's been hard. One step forward, two steps back. Three steps forward, one step back. Each week, each day, each hour - all of them are different.<br />
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The more the dust settled, the more I could see that tender mercies had been all around me. Getting packages in the mail on really hard days, text messages right when my thoughts where starting to get overwhelming, knocks at my door when I needed a hug, phone calls, letters, friends...... They started to pour in. They always came at the moment that I needed them. I knew they were answers to prayers, some prayers that weren't even mine because - let's be honest - some days I was too angry to pray. I began to realize that even though Heavenly Father didn't stop this from happening like I begged Him to, He wasn't going to leave me alone in it. The more I recognized it, the lighter the load felt. I know that there have been times when I have been carried by the prayers of those around me. Entire days when I was able to do things that I wouldn't have been able to do without heaven's help. Tender mercies have been everywhere.<br />
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The closer I became to my Savior and the more I began to trust Him completely - in a way I have never trusted before - the harder Satan tried to bring me down. I would have amazing spiritual experiences where I felt uplifted and hopeful, and I could always guarantee that the next day would test me. Test me they did. I wish I could say that I always won, but some days I didn't. After a few weeks of those really hard days, I was at a new low again. This time, it was bad. I couldn't turn my mind off. The thoughts kept racing over and over and over again. All it was doing was tearing me down, but I couldn't stop them.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>How could this happen to me? to us?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>What is so wrong with me?</i></div>
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<i>Why did he fall out of love with me?</i></div>
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<i>Weren't we happy? I thought we were happy.</i></div>
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<i>How could I have been so blind?</i></div>
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<i>I never saw it coming. How did he hide it so well?</i></div>
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<i>Why am I not good enough for him anymore?</i></div>
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<i>What does she have that I don't?</i></div>
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<i>How am I supposed to raise these kids in a broken family?</i></div>
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<i>Why do I have to go through this pregnancy knowing he doesn't even want me.</i></div>
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<i>I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.</i></div>
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It was during this really low point that I found out Elder Holland was coming to BYU-Idaho for devotional. Elder Holland is my favorite (don't tell the others). I knew right away that I needed to go. I had jokingly said multiple times through the last few months that I just needed to bump into Elder Holland and have him tell me that I was going to be ok and then I would actually believe it. Since I teach for BYU-Idaho online I thought I might be able to attend. I emailed my boss to see if I could go and if I needed tickets. He wasn't sure and told me he would get back to me. </div>
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A few days later I got an email reply from President Clark. It was on a particularly hard Sunday when the topics at church had made my heart hurt more than normal. His email said some things that were answers to my silent prayers and I was reminded that Heavenly Father knew how hard this was and what I was feeling inside, even if I hadn't said it out loud. One part of his message to me really touched me in particular and I read it over and over and over again.</div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Calibri,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"...I
have a first hand, eye witness, testimony that the
Lord has already prepared for you many tender mercies that He will
shower down upon you in this time of trouble, and far beyond. I know He
has a special place in His heart for His righteous daughters who must
bear up the burden of a divorce and caring for children
by themselves. I know you will be magnified in your own capacity, and
angels will surround you. Please take this message today from one who
knows that your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son know you and love
you and will be ever present in your life. Their
love never fails...."</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
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That was what I needed to hear. I had began to doubt my abilities as a mom and I knew I wasn't the type of mom my children needed. I was overwhelmed with my own grief and I couldn't snap out of it to be the mom I wanted to be for them.<br />
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The morning of devotional came and I was getting ready for the day when my phone rang. It was BYU-Idaho. I had been invited to sit on stage during devotional if I would like. I was in shock. I was told that Elder Holland had to leave immediately after devotional was over and that President Clark thought that sitting on stage would be my best chance to get to shake his hand. I was so touched and thankful for President Clark. I received the instruction on how to get through security and the time I needed to arrive. I was so excited.<br />
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As soon as I hung up the phone, it was like I was hit from every side. My kids wouldn't mind, were fighting, and getting them ready and out the door was painful. I picked Carson up from preschool and got back in the van to head to Rexburg and my phone was going crazy. I had several missed calls and texts, none of which were very nice. I returned the calls I missed and the conversation left me heartbroken and sobbing as we drove to Rexburg. Then the thoughts hit me full-force again....<br />
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<i>What did I do to deserve this?</i></div>
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<i>What is it about me that isn't enough anymore?</i></div>
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<i>What is wrong with me?</i></div>
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My poor kids in the back fell asleep and I debated turning around. <i>I could just listen to devotional on the radio. I'm a mess now and I don't want to sit on stage in front of everyone looking like this.</i> Thankfully, I decided to go.</div>
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Devotional was amazing. I sat close enough to Elder Holland that I could have touched him (don't worry, I didn't). Elder Holland's <a href="http://www2.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/Devotionals/2014_09_23_holland.htm" target="_blank">address</a> on happiness was exactly what I needed to hear and it lifted my spirits. I scribbled down notes as fast as I could and I felt like some of the words were exactly what I needed to hear. After devotional was over, Elder Holland and the Clarks left the stage and didn't shake anyone's hands. I was a little disappointed, but I felt so blessed to sit so close to him that it quickly went away. I went to the security rack and got my purse and was getting ready to leave. I said a quick goodbye to one of the ladies I had sat next to when I was approached by two people and asked if I was Natalie. I was a little taken back, but responded that I was. They asked me to follow them down a hallway and then directed me into a room. I walked in as they shut the door behind me. That's when I saw Elder Holland, President Clark, and Sister Clark all waiting for me. It was just the four of us in the room. When I realized that I was going to have my own private meeting with them, I started crying. Elder Holland walked towards me, wrapped me in a huge hug, and said, "Well, you don't have to cry about it!"</div>
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The next 15 minutes or so were amazing. I don't even have words to describe them. Elder Holland was able to calm all of my fears and made me promises about things that had been worrying me. I felt like I was talking to my grandpa. I felt loved by him and he gave me counsel and advice that I needed. He hugged me several times and even wiped away my tears at one point. He asked me if I would promise him something - he asked me to keep in touch with him. I don't think I'll have a problem with that! I was able to take a picture with him and the Clarks before I left, and he asked me again to keep in touch. I left feeling like the burden I had been carrying around for months was lifted. I had new faith and hope. I knew I was going to be okay because that was the exact phrase he said to me. "You are going to be okay." </div>
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After I left and ever since, I have been filled with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that amazing experience. I know that it was His way of showing me that I wasn't forgotten and that He knew the thoughts of my heart. How could I ever possibly doubt that again?? I had joked several times that I just needed to run into Elder Holland and have him tell me I was going to be okay, and that is EXACTLY the phrase he used. I remember even thinking in my head that it sounded funny to hear him say it like that because he is so eloquent in his speech. It was, however, a direct testimony builder for me that I got the exact thing I said I needed. Heavenly Father loved me. I was not forgotten. He was going to be with me every step of the way. He was going to take the ruins of my life and build them into the life He needed for me to have - I just need to trust Him with the pieces. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-68706901092453598262014-09-19T21:18:00.000-07:002014-10-02T20:32:30.724-07:00Say Something<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
I'll be the one, if you want me to</i></span></div>
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One conversation. That's all it took. My entire world changed with one conversation. People always ask if I saw it coming. Never. I didn't have a clue.<i> </i></div>
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<i><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Anywhere I would've followed you<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you</span></i></div>
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<i></i></div>
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<i></i></div>
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<i></i></div>
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That night is both a blur and a vivid memory that I can't escape. One that I never want to replay, and yet I constantly find myself living it over and over again in my mind. <br />
<i></i></div>
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<i></i></div>
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<i><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">And I am feeling so small<br />
It was over my head<br />
I know nothing at all</span></i></div>
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My counselor tells me that I'm still in shock. That what I am going through is one of the most traumatizing experiences a person can experience in this life. Counseling is a regular part of my life now. Lots of things have changed. <br />
<i><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">And I will stumble and fall<br />
I'm still learning to love<br />
Just starting to crawl</span></i></div>
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<i></i></div>
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That night I found out that my husband, my best friend, my partner - my eternal companion....</div>
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He didn't love me anymore. After that, the words sounded muffled and the room just kept spinning. I heard the sobbing, I just didn't realize it was coming from me. It wasn't real. It couldn't be. We were happy.<br />
<i><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you</span></i></div>
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"Fell out of love....Unfaithful....someone else.....long time coming.....don't want to be here......not happy".... I didn't sleep at all that night. Eventually there weren't any tears left. I sat in the rocking chair staring at our family picture for hours. I watched the sun come up. It rained that day. The rain was for me. </div>
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<i><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Anywhere I would've followed you<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you</span></i></div>
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<i></i></div>
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Things like this don't happen to people like us. They just don't. They happen to the people you read about or watch on TV. Not a sweet little family like mine. We have 3 beautiful babies. Oh, our babies. How am I going to tell my babies? They won't understand. I never wanted this life for them. We were a family. A family.<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br />
<b>And I will swallow my pride<br />
You're the one that I love<br />
And I'm saying goodbye</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">So tell me - how do you let the one person go that you were never supposed to let go? How do you fall out of love with the person your world revolved around? How do you become whole on your own when half of you is missing?</span></span><i> </i>I don't know how to let him go.<br />
<i><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you<br />And anywhere I would've followed you</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> Say something, I'm giving up on you</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The nights are the hardest - when everything is quiet. That's when the tears come. That's when the hurt takes over. Everyone keeps telling me it will be ok. When night arrives, it doesn't feel like it is going to be ok. I tuck the kids in after a long day and then there is silence. The nights are the hardest. </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /> </i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
Say something... </i></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-49437557992263737852014-08-24T10:25:00.002-07:002014-10-02T20:31:15.704-07:00The Currant Bush<span style="font-family: inherit;">When Jason and I were first married, we would go to the temple once a week. Due to our work and school schedule, it always seemed to be Saturday night that we would go. Occasionally we would drive down to Idaho Falls so that we could go to a late dinner after the temple session. It was something I looked forward to each week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">One week, as we were driving to Idaho Falls, Jason put in a CD. It was a talk by Hugh B. Brown and it was one I had never heard before. I can clearly remember exactly where we were when he put in the CD and I remember the deep voice of Elder Brown as he told the story of the currant bush. I remember feeling the spirit so strong in the car and we listened to that several times on our way to the temple. I fell in love with the story.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A few years ago, Elder D. Todd Christofferson retold Hugh B. Brown's story during General Conference and it even became a <a href="http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?im=true&v=1839005837001" target="_blank">Mormon Message</a>. When I heard him start to tell the story, my mind went back to that drive to the temple and I felt the Spirit as I remembered the experience of hearing the story for the first time. Oh, how I loved that story.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">About a week ago I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and was not having any success. Although I was exhausted and I knew I needed sleep, I had been having a really hard time sleeping. I couldn't shut my mind off and I was thinking about the events of the last few months and the changes it was going to bring to my little family for the rest of our lives - the rest of eternity. Suddenly I got angry and I started to cry. I laid there in my bed and cried angry tears, the same tears that came frequently, but this time I couldn't control them. I couldn't stop crying. I was angry that the selfish acts of another person could ruin so many good things. I was angry that my children and I had to suffer the consequences of someone else's choices and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"How could you do this to me?"</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then, I suddenly remembered that talk from all those years ago and I distinctly heard the line in my head,</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"I am the gardner here. I know what I want you to be."</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The tears stopped and I closed my eyes, remembering the story in my mind. I fell asleep thinking about that currant bush.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I found a video with Hugh B. Brown's voice telling the story with the images from the Mormon Message. I don't know why I love the way he tells it so much, but I do. I also included the text from his original speech at the BYU commencement in 1968. It's a little long, but it is worth the read.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I know that someday I will look back on this and say, <span style="background-color: white;">‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’” Although I can't see it now, I know that the Lord will turn this into a positive thing for my life. So often we have an idea in our heads of how our life is supposed to turn out and what is best for us, but Heavenly Father knows who He needs us to be. I never pictured my life going in this direction, and I wouldn't have picked this path, but I will trust in Him to guide me down the path I need to be on.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times; font-size: 14px;">"Sixty-odd years ago I was on a farm in Canada. I had purchased the farm from another who had been somewhat careless in keeping it up. I went out one morning and found a currant bush that was at least six feet high. I knew that it was going all to wood. There was no sign of blossom or of fruit. I had had some experience in pruning trees before we left Salt Lake to go to Canada, as my father had a fruit farm. So I got my pruning shears and went to work on that currant bush, and I clipped it and cut it and cut it down until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps.</span><br />
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And as I looked at them, I yielded to an impulse, which I often have, to talk with inanimate things and have them talk to me. It’s a ridiculous habit. It’s one I can’t overcome. As I looked at this little clump of stumps, there seemed to be a tear on each one, and I said, “What’s the matter, currant bush? What are you crying about?”</div>
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And I thought I heard that currant bush speak. It seemed to say, <b>“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as large as the fruit tree and the shade tree, and now you have cut me down. And all in the garden will look upon me with contempt and pity. How could you do it? I thought you were the gardener here.”</b></div>
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I thought I heard that from the currant bush. I thought it so much that I answered it.</div>
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I said, <b>“Look, little currant bush, I <i>am</i> the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. But someday, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to think back and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”</b></div>
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Ten years passed, and I found myself in Europe. I had made so<span style="font-size: 14px;">me progress in the First World War in the Canadian army. In fact, I was a field officer, and there was only one man between me and the rank of general, which I had cherished in my heart for years. Then he became a casualty. And the day after, I received a telegram from London from General Turner, who was in charge of all Canadian officers. The telegram said, “Be in my office tomorrow morning at ten o’clock.”</span></div>
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I puffed up. I called my special servant. (We called them “batmen” over there.) I said, “Polish my boots and my buttons. Make me look like a general, because I am going up tomorrow to be appointed.”</div>
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He did the best he could with what he had to work on, and I went to London. I walked into the office of the general. I saluted him smartly, and he replied to my salute as higher officers usually do to juniors—sort of a “Get out of the way, worm.” Then he said, “Sit down, Brown.”</div>
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I was deflated. I sat down. And he said, “Brown, you are entitled to this promotion, but I cannot make it. You have qualified and passed the regulations, you have had the experience, and you are entitled to it in every way, but I cannot make this appointment.”</div>
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Just then he went into the other room to answer a phone call, and I did what most every officer and man in the army would do under those circumstances: I looked over on his desk to see what my personal history sheet showed. And I saw written on the bottom of that history sheet in large capital letters: “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.”</div>
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Now at that time we were hated heartily in Britain, and I knew why he couldn’t make the appointment. Finally he came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.”</div>
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I saluted him, less heartily than before, and went out. On my way back to Shorncliffe, 120 kilometers away, I thought every turn of the wheels that clacked across the rails was saying, “You’re a failure. You must go home and be called a coward by those who do not understand.”</div>
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And bitterness rose in my heart until I arrived, finally, in my tent, and I rather vigorously threw my cap on the cot, together with my Sam Browne belt. I clenched my fist, and I shook it at heaven, and I said, <b>“How could you do this to me, God? I’ve done everything that I knew how to do to uphold the standards of the Church. I was making such wonderful growth, and now you’ve cut me down. How could you do it?”</b></div>
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And then I heard a voice. It sounded like my own voice, and the voice said, <b>“I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. And someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”</b></div>
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Those words—which I recognize now as my words to the currant bush and that had become God’s word to me—drove me to my knees, where I prayed for forgiveness for my arrogance and my ambition.</div>
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As I was praying there, I heard some Mormon boys in an adjoining tent singing the closing number to an M.I.A. session, which I usually attended with them. And I recognized these words, which all of you have memorized:</div>
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<i>It may not be on the mountain height<br />Or over the stormy sea;<br />It may not be at the battle’s front<br />My Lord will have need of me;<br />But if, by a still, small voice he calls<br />To paths that I do not know,<br />I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:<br />I’ll go where you want me to go.<br />. . .<br />So trusting my all to thy tender care,<br />And knowing thou lovest me,<br />I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere;<br />I’ll be what you want me to be.</i><br />
[“It May Not Be on the Mountain Height,” <i>Hymns,</i>1948, no. 75]</div>
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My young friends and brothers and sisters, will you remember that little experience that changed my whole life? Had the Gardener not taken control and done for me what was best for me, or if I had gone the way I wanted to go, I would have returned to Canada as a senior commanding officer of western Canada. I would have raised my family in a barracks. My six daughters would have had little chance to marry in the Church. I myself would probably have gone down and down. I do not know what might have happened, but this I know, and this I say to you and to Him in your presence, looking back over sixty years: “Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down.”</div>
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Hugh B. Brown</div>
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BYU Commencement Speech, 1968</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-80991152926109521452014-08-18T11:31:00.001-07:002014-08-19T20:10:12.620-07:00Angels Among Us<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNb-uwyMuzj6xmmpy2Pxm6ol9LKe8FT4wbk6SsClmaoRJHCwdIJb7D1t7lOTNC5FkVr0RGEQ0LFdcsLVacrQEi5TCPhYPdhspMboAVzKOsTmIH7bEy-1yJn1aPZP47S8xrZ7K2GNwQRxC5/s1600/heavenly_hands%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNb-uwyMuzj6xmmpy2Pxm6ol9LKe8FT4wbk6SsClmaoRJHCwdIJb7D1t7lOTNC5FkVr0RGEQ0LFdcsLVacrQEi5TCPhYPdhspMboAVzKOsTmIH7bEy-1yJn1aPZP47S8xrZ7K2GNwQRxC5/s1600/heavenly_hands%5B1%5D.JPG" height="400" width="360" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span class="verse" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px 1px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> "</span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">And whoso </span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">receiveth</span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> you, there I will be also, for I will go </span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">before</span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my </span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">Spirit</span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> shall be in your hearts, <b>and mine </b></span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"><b>angels</b></span><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"><b> round about you, to bear you up</b>."</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">-Doctrine and Covenants 84:88</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">I have heard people talk about angels and I have read the accounts in the scriptures of angels coming to people in mortality in times of need. I have always believed it and thought about how amazing that must be to see or hear an angel. It always seemed to be something that happened to other people, but I never really thought about it happening to me. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Then again, there were lots of things that I never thought would happen to me.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">This journey has been one of darkness and heartache. Moments of hope quickly shadowed by mountains of despair. I have had glimpses of eternal perspective - but they are normally followed by the weight of grief becoming all consuming and I'm left broken again. It is in those moments when the darkness seems to fill every space of light around me that I have often felt alone and abandoned, even by my Heavenly Father. In those moments, I allow my weaknesses to take hold and my fears to be present. I shut out everything around me. I allow the darkness to win. At least I think I do.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">It was in one of those moments that I learned one of the most humbling lessons I have yet learned in this life. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">I had booked a vacation for Jason and I to get away together. I felt prompted to do it and I followed that prompting. Two days before we were supposed to leave, I had to make new arrangements. I couldn't cancel the flights or the cruise, so I took a friend instead. A trip that should have been fun was miserable. I felt stupid for booking it in the first place, but had honestly felt prompted to do so, and was now left wondering why I had done it. Looking back, I know now that it was necessary. There is something about being far from home with no reception that allows you to ponder and get answers, even to questions you never asked.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">One night, Rebekah and I sat in our room. It had been a particularly hard day and I was emotionally exhausted. I was on the edge of feeling that hopelessness that would sometimes come and I was fighting back the tears. I missed my kids, I wanted to go home, and I wanted this nightmare to be over. Then I got an email that pushed me over the edge with both hands. I sat sobbing on the bed with my face in my hands and I remember thinking, </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><i>"Where are you?!?! Why have you abandoned me in this?!? How could you possibly sit back and watch this all happen and not do anything to stop it?!?!"</i></span></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 22px;">For a moment I was ashamed for yelling at God in my head, but then I was angry. I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my best to do what was right. I didn't deserve this. How could He claim to love me and let this happen. How could a God of miracles withhold a miracle from me when I needed it the most?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Rebekah sat quietly watching me breakdown and finally asked me what I was thinking. Without even looking at her I finally said the words out loud that I had been thinking for some time. "I feel alone and abandoned." I then proceeded to cry my angry, frustrated, and heartbroken tears.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">It was only a few moments later that Rebekah quietly said, "Natalie, can you feel that?" I didn't respond but I did finally look at her. With tears in her eyes she said, "This room is full of people. You are not alone." Our room was empty, but I knew she wasn't talking about mortal people. She was talking about angels. In my moment of darkness I was surrounded by people from the other side of the veil, sent to give me comfort when no earthly person could. I knew it and she knew it.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">In Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-ministry-of-angels?lang=eng#14-PD00009501_000_012" target="_blank">The Ministry of Angels</a>, he says the following:</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">"From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children....</span> </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">Usually such beings are</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;"> </span><i style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">not</i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;"> </span><i style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">always</i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. <b>But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times."</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Throughout the last few months I have come to realize that I have been surrounded by angels almost constantly. They have filled my home and have stood silently watching, waiting, and comforting. God has not once abandoned me, but has instead sent me loved ones, both here on Earth and from the other side of the veil, to aide me in this trial. I won't go into detail about the specific events, but I will say this - there have been multiple times when I have known exactly who is with me and who has stood watch in my home. In dark moments and in the middle of the night, I have felt the calming, steady, patient presence of someone who protected me in that very way while he was on this earth. The feelings of his presence have been familiar and welcome and I have felt his care and concern for me, just like I did while he was alive. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Later, in priesthood blessings, I have been reassured multiple times that specific angels have never left my side. How grateful I am for righteous ancestors that are able to assist me in difficult moments and have assured me that things will be ok, that God is always near, and that I am not forgotten.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">I have learned through this that angels are near more often than we will ever know. I have learned to recognize them more frequently and pray for their presence in moments I begin to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, in those times, a knock will come to my door or my phone will ring, and I know that I am being sent an angel here on Earth. People have stopped by at exactly the right time or have said something that they couldn't have known that I needed to hear. Angels surround us indeed. Other times, I have felt the sweet peace that accompanies someone from the other side of the veil and I know that I am not alone and never will be. What a wonderful gift angels can be, if we can learn to recognize them.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'Lucida Sans', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[Nor] will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”</span><sup class="noteMarker" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #2f393a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'Lucida Sans', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; line-height: 1; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"> <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-ministry-of-angels?lang=eng#13-PD00009501_000_012" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #486fae; font-size: 9px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">13</a> </sup><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'Lucida Sans', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. <b>And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal. " -</b>Jeffrey R. Holland</span></span> </blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-66709796001299586412014-08-13T19:46:00.000-07:002014-10-02T20:31:57.383-07:00The Eye of a HurricaneI've always been fascinated with natural disasters. I know, it might seem a little odd, but in school it was always one of my favorite topics. I've always wanted to see a volcano erupting (from a distance, of course) and hurricanes are amazing to me. In the days leading up to a hurricane hitting, you might not ever see it coming. Many people comment on how blue the sky looks and how the breeze was so gentle that it barely ruffles the leaves on the trees a mere 48 hours before the strongest part of the storm hits.<br />
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I feel like a hurricane hit my life and I didn't have any warning. None. If you would have asked me how things were that morning when I woke up, I would have told you great. Sure, we had our struggles, but nothing crazy or out of the ordinary. Our 3 beautiful children demanded a lot of my attention and I was dealing with thyroid issues (I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto disease), but other than that we were happy. Then the storm hit. I never saw it coming.<br />
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A hurricane can leave destruction in it's wake that is all consuming. Trees bent over in the wind, houses destroyed, power disconnected - a scene of utter chaos. That's what it felt like. I felt like my world was crashing down around me while I stood watching.<br />
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The eye of a hurricane, however, is a miracle. <span style="color: #04054d;">Skies are often clear above the eye and winds are relatively light. It is actually the calmest section of any hurricane. </span><br />
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A few weeks into my hurricane, I had a thought that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So, I did. Now let me tell you, I shouldn't have been pregnant. There it was, however, staring back at me.... 2 pink lines. I had been praying for a miracle over and over and over, and in that moment I knew that this was the answer to those prayers. It wasn't what I had planned on, but it was the answer none the less. Heavenly Father had heard the silent pleadings of my heart and He knew that I wasn't done being a mom. Not yet. I knew that, and apparently He knew that too.<br />
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My first ultrasound was a few weeks later and I was terrified that they would tell me I had lost the baby. I had been spotting over the weekend and with my history, I was prepared for the worst. What I heard instead would forever change my life.<br />
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Twins.</div>
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In the middle of my own personal hurricane, God gave me a miracle. Not just one, but two. It's still early, and anything can happen, but I know that Heavenly Father knew my deepest desires and He wanted me to know that He was listening. Those two tiny heartbeats have given me hope and a reason to move forward. They are my Eye of the Hurricane - smack in the middle of chaos.<br />
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Although I didn't cause the hurricane that has hit my life and the lives of my children, the damage done is still devastating and the effects will be long lasting.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">"<span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'Lucida Sans', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">We place ourselves in the path of these spiritual hurricanes when we indulge in anger, alcohol, and abuse; lust and licentiousness; promiscuity and pornography; drugs, pride, greed, violence, envy, and lies—the list is long. Perhaps, for a time, life seems to go on as before, and in that dormant period there is no hint of the terrible retribution to come, and then we are suddenly in the grip of their satanic power, and they lay waste our lives, bringing anguish and agony, depression, despair, and desolation. Too many times they also bring sadness, sorrow, suffering, and heartache to our loved ones. In the aftermath of their destructive path, it is often more difficult to restore a spiritually shattered soul than it is to rebuild a ruined city. There are whirling winds of malevolence, malice, and evil on the move in society today, and they will not spare those who wander into their path."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #2f393a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'Lucida Sans', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">-David R. Stone</span></span></blockquote>
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How grateful I am that I know this Earth life is just a tiny speck in the eternal scheme of things. Everyone has their trials and their heartache, it is what we learn from them that matters. When I can stop and ask, "What do I need to learn from this? Who do you want me to become?" it helps me to focus on improving and growing instead of just surviving. Someday, I hope to look back and be grateful for my trials because they got me to where I needed to be.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-49172110490760349592014-08-11T17:03:00.000-07:002014-08-15T23:23:44.709-07:00The Master Weaver’s PlanI'm obviously terribly behind on my blog and it seems overwhelming to try and catch up. If I'm being completely honest, right now I don't have a desire to go and post pictures about past events because they are hard to look at right now. I'm not quite ready to share with the world all the details of what has been happening in our little family, but I will say that it has been the hardest struggle and trial that I have ever endured and some days I don't want to get out of bed. Luckily for me, I have 3 sweet children who don't make that an option and force me to focus on them. That is the only thing getting me through the day right now.<br />
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It's hard for me to understand how any of this happened, and even harder to understand why, but I have decided to give up on that right now. I may not understand in this life. I probably won't. But I do know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, who looks out for me, and who has lifted me in moments when the darkness seemed to consume me. For the first time in my life I have started to question things that I always knew to be true, and I honestly wondered if God even cared about me. How could He stand back and watch this happen if He did? However, it has been those moments when my faith started to waver and my doubt started to gain ground that He would send me a tender mercy and reassure me that He is there and that He cares.<br />
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This trial is in no way close to being over, and the tears still come more often than I would like, but I'm starting to turn my life over to my Savior and I'm trying to have faith that He knows better than I do. He knows my heart, He knows what will make me happy, and He knows the refiner's fire that I need to endure to be worthy of His presence again someday.<br />
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My life is but a weaving</div>
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Between the Lord and me;</div>
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I may not choose the colors–</div>
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He knows what they should be.</div>
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For He can view the pattern</div>
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Upon the upper side</div>
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While I can see it only</div>
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On this, the under side.</div>
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Sometimes He weaves in sorrow,</div>
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Which seems so strange to me;</div>
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But I will trust His judgment</div>
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And work on faithfully.</div>
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‘Tis He who fills the shuttle,</div>
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And He knows what is best;</div>
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So I shall weave in earnest,</div>
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And leave to Him the rest.</div>
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Not ’til the loom is silent</div>
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And the shuttles cease to fly</div>
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Shall God unroll the canvas</div>
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And explain the reason why.</div>
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The dark threads are as needed</div>
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In the Weaver’s skillful hand</div>
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As the threads of gold and silver</div>
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In the pattern He has planned.</div>
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-Author Unknown</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-57714883162945394802014-06-03T06:00:00.000-07:002014-06-03T06:00:00.084-07:00Easter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We had a really nice Easter this year. The morning of Easter we surprised Carson with sand and sand toys in his sandbox that someone gave us last year. He was so excited and he played out there all morning. I make Easter shaped pancakes and we had a little lesson on Christ. Leading up to Easter we had been opening an egg every day as part of our scripture study. Inside the eggs were scriptures and an object associated with Christ and the events of Easter Weekend and the Resurrection. We also shared the testimonies of our family members with the kids that I had collected earlier. It was nice to really try and focus on the Savior and why we celebrate Easter.<br />
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Carson cracks me up. He has been making silly faces in pictures lately, and this thumbs-up one is one of his favorites. Haha!<br />
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Carly and Will came over for the day and went to church with us. After church we had a nice Easter dinner and then Jason and Will hid eggs for the kids in the backyard. By hid, I really mean covered the lawn in eggs.<br />
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It was a great day. I love Easter. I love the meaning behind it and I am so eternally grateful for a loving Savior that came to Earth and atoned for my sins. He bore my griefs and carried my sorrows. He kept His promise and rose again on the third day.<br />
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One of my favorite talks about Easter is by Elder Holland. He says the following,<br />
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<div class="" style="border: 0px; color: #2f393a; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him.p15">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><i style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">never</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><i style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Via Dolorosa</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">in our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross,</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><a class="no-link-style" href="http://www.lds.org/topics/resurrection?lang=eng" style="background-color: white; border: none !important; color: #2f393a; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none !important; vertical-align: baseline;">Resurrection</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,”</span><sup class="noteMarker" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; line-height: 1; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"> <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng#21-PD50015887_000_029" style="border: 0px; color: #486fae; font-size: 9px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">21</a> </sup><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">for surely that is how He stood by us when it</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><i style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">was</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> "</span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-64007228893208454422014-06-02T06:00:00.000-07:002014-06-02T06:00:01.066-07:00Easter Egg HuntsWe had lots of fun celebrating Easter this year. Easter means the <strike>start</strike> <strike>idea</strike> hope of Spring, which always makes us excited. About a week before Easter, our playgroup had a craft and Easter egg hunt. The kids had fun and Carson was so nice about helping Brooklyn find eggs. Once she realized there was chocolate and candy in the eggs, she wasn't too interested in finding more. Carson helped her see reason and soon she was on her way again.<br />
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Ok, so I have to tell you my feelings about the Easter Bunny. Sigh. I don't <i>hate</i> the Easter Bunny. I grew up with the Easter Bunny in my house and I don't think there is anything wrong with having fun with the tradition. In fact, I don't <i>not</i> talk about the Easter Bunny, but we just don't focus on it. The Easter baskets don't come from the Easter Bunny, they come from Mom and Dad. We don't really talk about the Easter Bunny and hiding eggs is a fun tradition that we do as part of Easter. Again, I don't have anything against him, but we just don't really celebrate him. He is just another part of Easter that we might happen to see and take pictures with, if that makes sense. It's not even something we consciously did, it just kind of happened that way. Besides, have you ever seen a not-creepy Easter Bunny costume? haha! Carson saw this Easter Bunny at an egg hunt we went to and he HAD to take a picture. Is it just me, or is he creepy looking?!<br />
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The day before Easter we went to an Easter Egg hunt in town. There are several, and this one was smaller than most - which meant less kids. The rule was that no adults could touch the eggs, so poor Morgan couldn't figure out what we were doing to her. She did manage to get 3 eggs in her bucket....with at little help from Uncle Will and Aunt Carly.<br />
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After the Easter Egg hunt, we went to Yellowstone Bear World for their Easter Egg hunt and their cub celebration. We went last year and we had a lot of fun so we decided to go again. Yeah, so did everyone else in Eastern Idaho. It took us about an hour just to get into the park the line of cars was so long. With all of the crazy people there, we decided not to do the egg hunt and just have fun riding the rides and looking at all of the animals.<br />
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Brooklyn and Carson both really enjoyed all of the rides they have there. They are meant for little kids their size and you can ride them as much as you want. We spent most of our time there and then went to the petting zoo area. Brooklyn is the braver of the two kids and would get a lot closer to the animals than Carson would.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8onK05r7jSen0FxVLiRAEtJbS4wJj8qFmj2tgdjqpaES5ams1shhb3AOqMrTk3XN2FiziqxvIR4wb8QkaRzKCraRpFaBrs_wARtkYpXtOSy3N9ETaYLc15YEYuGz6I1iMswjv_An9rW9E/s1600/Bear+World+4.jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8onK05r7jSen0FxVLiRAEtJbS4wJj8qFmj2tgdjqpaES5ams1shhb3AOqMrTk3XN2FiziqxvIR4wb8QkaRzKCraRpFaBrs_wARtkYpXtOSy3N9ETaYLc15YEYuGz6I1iMswjv_An9rW9E/s1600/Bear+World+4.jpg.jpg" height="212" width="640" /></a> After we drove through the park and watched all the bears, we went home and rested. Later that evening we went to Orange Leaf and had some yummy ice cream. :) It was a fun-filled and exhausting day!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-8579618394248071352014-06-01T10:08:00.001-07:002014-06-01T10:08:38.745-07:00Chick-Fil-A Super Hero NightChick-Fil-A has fun family nights each month and last month was Super Hero night. They had fun signs through out the restaurant, everyone wore capes, and they had a "No Villains Allowed" section roped off where they showed <i>The Incredibles</i>. They had a bounce house for the kids and the Super Hero Cow even got in and jumped with them.<br />
We sure do love Chick-Fil-A! They are an awesome company that really does focus on families.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-78713156888442673142014-05-28T12:42:00.000-07:002014-05-28T12:42:09.674-07:00Kid's Fair 2014We took the kids to the Eastern Idaho Kids' Fair again this year and they had so much fun. They love going. It is pretty crazy and full of people, but it's worth it when the kids are happy. :)<br />
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Little Miss Morgan was a trooper and only got upset when she was super hungry. Liza from Classy 97 walked by as she was crying and took her from me. She thought she was the cutest baby and really wanted to hold her. The kids got to touch lots of different reptiles, included a HUGE snake. It was gross, but the kids thought it was cool. They also loved all the games at the booths and all the candy they kept getting.<br />
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They also had a group of princesses there for the kids to meet. Brooklyn thought it was amazing since she loves Cinderella. We went twice, so she got to meet 2 different Cinderellas. I know I might sound awful, but I had to laugh at some of the princesses. I'll just leave it at that. The kids were amazed and that is all that matters. :)<br />
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The kids also got to ride the ponies while we were there. Last year I waited in line for an hour and Carson refused to ride once we got up to them. This year he loved it and cried when we had to leave. Brooklyn giggled the whole time and laughed. Being a parent and watching your kids experience fun things is the best.<br />
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By the time we were done, all 3 kids were exhausted. As soon as we got in the car they all fell asleep. I guess that means it was a success!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-34972281240849137672014-05-27T10:36:00.005-07:002014-05-27T10:39:40.391-07:00Idaho Falls TempleWe are extremely blessed to get to live in the same town as a temple. Growing up, our temple district was the Mesa temple, 7 hours away. When the Albuquerque temple was built when I was in 8th grade - I remember being so excited because we would have a temple 3 hours away. We got to work at the open house and we were even able to be in the temple during the dedication. It was awesome.<br />
When I moved to Rexburg the temple was under construction there. I remember not being able to imagine what it would be like to see the temple every day while I was at school and knowing that I could go sit outside the temple. I would go drive and park across the street while it was under construction and imagine what it would be like when it was finished.<br />
After Jason and I were married we would go to the Rexburg temple every single week. It was amazing. It helped our marriage, gave us time to ponder and be close to the Lord, and helped us feel closer to the Spirit throughout the week. Once kids came along it became harder and harder, but my heart still yearned for the temple.<br />
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I am lucky to have several friends that enjoy going to the temple as much as I do. We take turns babysitting so that we can go during the day. At first I didn't like going without Jason, but with his busy schedule I realized that if I waited for him to go, I would never go. Now I get to go at least once a week, sometimes twice. I love it. I feel so much closer to my Savior and my Heavenly Father while I am there and I know that they are aware of me and love me.<br />
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I LOVE having a temple in the town we live in. It is such a HUGE blessing and I know that. I can take my kiddos to the grounds and let them feel the spirit that is there. When we drive past they love to point out the temple and watch it. I know that if we ever end up moving away from here I am going to miss the temple. Hopefully we will have a temple close no matter where we live.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-52715208561477796642014-05-09T06:00:00.000-07:002014-05-09T06:00:04.063-07:00St. Patrick's Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love St. Patrick's Day! It is such a fun little holiday. I remember growing up my Mom used to make us green food and I thought it was the coolest thing. I had plans to do fun things for the kids that morning, but we had just gotten back from Washington about 4 am and I was beat.<br />
Jason decided to stay home from work that day and hang out with us. We took the kiddos to I-Jump to get all of their wiggles out from being in the car the entire week before while we were in Washington. It was the first time Jason was able to go with us. The kids had so much fun jumping with their daddy and throwing dodgeballs at him.<br />
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I even took Morgan out to bounce for a little bit. She wasn't sure what to think of it all and had a death grip on me the whole time.<br />
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After we were done at I-Jump we went to our normal playgroup for a St. Patrick's Day activity. The kids got to do a craft and decorate cupcakes with their friends. We love playgroup days! It's fun for the moms to all get together and it's fun for the kids to play.<br />
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<span id="goog_1315431175"></span><span id="goog_1315431176"></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-27098610349332344582014-05-08T15:21:00.002-07:002014-06-26T19:12:56.306-07:00Washington TripZach graduated from the Washington State Trooper Academy in March! Wahoo! I am so proud of my little brother and am excited for what this means for his little family. I was able to go and watch his graduation. It was.....fun. Kinda. Let me explain.<br />
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Jason couldn't come because of work and school (the usual) so I decided to take the littles and go with Carly and Will. We took my mini van (yeah, we rocked the mini van) and headed out. I tried my best to prepare the kids for the ride with treat bags they got to open each hour. They had everything from a few new movies, crayons and coloring books, treats...you name it. It worked pretty good for the first 10 hours! The drive was 14 hours, however, and those poor kids were DONE. The last few hours were miserable for everyone. Lots of crying (me included), tired bums, sleepy kids, restless bodies. You get it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Morgan fell asleep while we let the kids get wiggles out at McDonalds</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brooklyn's hair was full of fruit snacks, rice cakes, and dried bananas by the time we made it.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunset on the Columbia River on our way</td></tr>
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When we checked into our hotel we had the most amazing gift basket waiting for us from Haleigh and Zach. It was full of everything "Washington" related. There was a trooper uniform for Carson, a Minnie Mouse dress for Brooklyn, a K-9 dog, outfits for Morgan, apples, maps, food.... It was adorable.<br />
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Thursday morning my parents flew in and met us at the hotel and then we drove to the state trooper academy for Zach's open house. It was the first time we were able to see him and he looked so handsome in his uniform. I was so proud of him when I got to see all of the hard work he had put in for the last 9 months. Carson was so amazed at all of it and you could see how much he looked up to his Uncle Zach. He wanted to follow him around everywhere. In fact, he still talks about Uncle Zach all the time and how he wants to be a trooper like him.<br />
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At the open house we got to go see everything Zach had done while at the academy. He even got to take us through the driving course in his trooper car. It was pretty awesome and he is a dang good driver! Carson LOVED the ride and was so sad when he had to get out. I hope being in the back of a cop car doesn't become a habit for him....</div>
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Friday was Zach's graduation at the State Capitol building in Olympia. It was really cool. They all drove up in their patrol cars and parked in a row. Then they marched into the capitol building together. It was really neat to watch, even through the rain. :)<br />
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The graduation took place in the state capitol building which meant there was no place to sit and it was a big quiet building where every noise echoed off the walls. The kids were pretty tired of being quiet by that point, so I didn't get to see much of the graduation because I was trying to keep them quiet and occupied. Carly and I did our best to keep the kids entertained with the camera while we waited for it to start. </div>
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The good looking group of State Troopers ready to graduate!</div>
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We were all so proud of Zach and it was awesome to watch him graduate. We had a party for him later that night - complete with donuts. :)</div>
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Little Miss Morgan hanging out with Nana.</div>
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On Saturday we were able to go do something the kids would enjoy - the Tacoma Aquarium and Zoo. They had lots of fun looking at all of the different animals and fish. Brooklyn got kissed by a walrus through the glass and Carson got licked by a tiger through the glass. Apparently my children look tasty.</div>
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We were able to take the kids swimming at the hotel. Brooklyn loves the water and was my little fishy. Carson only likes swimming for a few minutes and then he is ready to get out. Maybe someday we will be able to convince him to stay in longer.<br />
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On our final day in Washington we went to Tugboat Annie's for lunch. It was yummy! The view was pretty amazing, too.<br />
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It was great to be able to see Zach and Haleigh and to visit Washington. I really miss them and wish they lived closer so we could see them more often. It's hard not seeing them or being able to spend time with them! However, traveling without my husband was really hard. Having a 3 year old, a 20 month old, and a 3 month old on a long car ride and in a hotel for a week was a little too much. They were tired from late nights and early mornings, not being able to get their energy out. Mealtimes in restaurants are rough and I was ready to come home. I don't think I will be traveling without my hubby again for a long time. :)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaJKrB1DL8R11GwfnbLltmGNsRP0KUORhL0XA7UucPE2LqjiTkWUIgb8OQrfvWX2MHhkKeObbLPL6JJvQz2LYZQI_tGgNvXfbdnMu6n8L1tLc9Rx9xQAAsNXWL9ra_kIXf3uUlEU__fD3M/s1600/1901351_724232147617045_403957511_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaJKrB1DL8R11GwfnbLltmGNsRP0KUORhL0XA7UucPE2LqjiTkWUIgb8OQrfvWX2MHhkKeObbLPL6JJvQz2LYZQI_tGgNvXfbdnMu6n8L1tLc9Rx9xQAAsNXWL9ra_kIXf3uUlEU__fD3M/s1600/1901351_724232147617045_403957511_n.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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BYU-Idaho does a family employee day each semester and Winter Semester's family day happened to be at Badger Creek. I had just told Jason how sad I was that we hadn't taken the kids sledding this year when I got the email. We decided to brave it and take the kids. The drive was a little over an hour from the house and we spent all morning making sure we had every possible winter gear we would need to keep the kids nice and toasty.</div>
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They had horse drawn sleighs for us to ride when we got there. The kids watched the horses with fascination. I'm not sure they knew what to think about them.</div>
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They had a few games for the kids to play and hot chocolate and donuts. Brooklyn was in a grumpy mood and it was hard to convince her to do anything. Poor Morgan was tired and just wanted to sleep.</div>
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We finally made it to the top of the hill with the sleds and were able to take Carson and Brooklyn down a few times. A very kind student employee held little Miss Morgan so that we could all go together. Once we started heading down the hill the kids thought it was AWESOME! They giggled and laughed the whole way down. The snow was pretty soggy, so we didn't go terribly fast and we had to push start a few times down the hill. For the kids' first time really sledding it was perfect. We all got so warm that we had to start shedding layers of clothes. We also forgot sunglasses and it was extremely bright out there.</div>
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It was a fun little day trip, but Jason and I were both very happy to be home at the end of the day. Sometimes, doing fun things for your kids wears you out! This was one of those trips that was more work than fun for the parents. All that matters is that we are making memories with our little ones!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-91306490028558217692014-03-06T13:36:00.000-08:002014-04-21T13:36:31.355-07:00Morgan - 3 months old<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdtOXgtwzFWBTcgIWI35ACOYiVdTJqIa7TipNoLW5kVSbbLVHzHTwwEW_vE4enyvO8lZZokvI87nPHeJWJ754hUarPEUsWUduMTz-Vm_LhECcDe6PbQtUdhyphenhyphenZt1lwqpqxv1HXTR7OdnU0N/s1600/Morgan-3-months-old.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdtOXgtwzFWBTcgIWI35ACOYiVdTJqIa7TipNoLW5kVSbbLVHzHTwwEW_vE4enyvO8lZZokvI87nPHeJWJ754hUarPEUsWUduMTz-Vm_LhECcDe6PbQtUdhyphenhyphenZt1lwqpqxv1HXTR7OdnU0N/s1600/Morgan-3-months-old.png" height="400" width="293" /></a></div>
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I can't believe that little Miss Morgan is 3 months! Time sure does fly. This little sweetie is so much fun. She is the sweetest, happiest, most lovable baby. She loves to smile at everyone and she rarely cries (unless she is tired or hungry). I'm really enjoying her!</div>
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My sweet little princess still likes to be swaddled when she sleeps and will sleep a lot longer if she is in my bed or on my pillow. She loves to play with her jungle gym toy and will lay there for a long time playing and looking around. She has been rolling over for a while now and will roll both ways. She started rolling from her tummy to her back when she was only a few weeks old and she rolls around like a champ now. </div>
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She had her first major diaper blowout while in her outfit that says, "I love daddy." I thought it was fitting so I had to take a picture and send it to Jason. :) She also likes to smile and laugh at herself in the mirror. She has little conversations with herself. ADORABLE!</div>
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Morgan loves her family so much. She smiles when Carson or Brooklyn come around and she knows when we are all missing. She likes to look at our family pictures on the wall and will smile and grin at them. </div>
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Morgan is a great eater and has nursing down! She eats pretty fast and likes to stop and smile at me while she eats. She is getting better and better at sleeping. She normally only wakes up once in the middle of the night and goes right back to sleep after eating. She likes to take her naps in her swing and sleep in her crib at night. She also loves her Mr. Moose toy. </div>
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We are so in love with our sweet little girl. I can't imagine life without her!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-87585741729256286412014-02-19T16:02:00.000-08:002014-04-09T16:02:56.223-07:00Aprons, Toddler Beds, and Mac & Cheese<div style="text-align: center;">
I was feeling a little ambitious one day and decided to make the kids some aprons. They like helping me cook and doing crafts, so I thought aprons would be fun for them to wear so they don't make messes. I thought they turned out really cute! They didn't take much time and the kids liked the fabric I picked out for them. </div>
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I also decided to put together the toddler bed we bought for Brooklyn. Now THAT was a project. Trying to put it together by myself with 3 little kids "helping" was more time consuming than I thought it would be. When I finally finished it I rearranged Brooklyn's room to fit the crib and bed in it. Brooklyn was really excited when she realized that the bed was for her. She jumped right in and laid there with Carson while I finished arranging her room. </div>
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I was worried about how Brooklyn would do moving from the crib to the bed and decided that I would wait until the weekend to make the transition. I wouldn't have even attempted it at all, but I wanted Morgan to have a place to sleep and knew that having her in another room would allow me to get more sleep. When I went to lay Brooklyn down for her nap, she threw a fit when I put her in her crib. She kept pointing to her bed. I put her in her bed and left, thinking that I would have to go back in a few minutes to put her in the crib. Nope! She went right to sleep! Thinking it was a fluke we tried again at bedtime. Same thing! She transitioned without any problems at all! Way to go!</div>
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Carson cracks me up. He loves Mac & Cheese. LOVES it. Everytime we go out to eat that is what he orders. Anytime I ask him what he wants to eat, he yells Mac&Cheese! One day I asked him what I should make for dinner. He responded with his usual, "Mac & Cheese!" Knowing that Jason was in class and wouldn't be home for dinner, and being tired and not in the mood to cook, I agreed. Carson was so surprised that I said yes that he started jumping up and down. Then he ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug. </div>
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"You are my favorite best friend, ever!"</div>
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Thanks, kiddo. Love you back. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02312046270495965657noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198147824672439773.post-46656503261644642932014-02-18T15:49:00.000-08:002014-04-09T15:50:47.847-07:00Valentine's Day<div style="text-align: center;">
Valentine's Day is one of my favorite days of the year. I love everything about it. The colors, the decorations, the idea of expressing your love.... I love it all. This year I made a few Valentine's Day crafts for our house. I thought they turned out pretty cute. </div>
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We invited our play group over for a Valentine's Day party. Each of the kids made mailboxes and we handed out valentines for each of them. It was crazy chaos, but the kids loved it and it's fun to get together with all of our friends. 13 kids, 3 babies, and 7 moms. </div>
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I love this picture! It perfectly describes our play group. Silly kids, some in the corner crying and not wanting to take a picture (Carson), not possible to get everyone to look at the camera, funny faces...</div>
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My parents send the kids gift cards to Dairy Queen for Valentine's Day, so I decided to take the kids out for lunch. We went to DQ, went and got balloons (our tradition), and then picked up a heart-shaped pizza for dinner. We normally also make sugar cookies and deliver them to our friends, but this year we didn't get around to it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsAoU51NV3cWAHlTAlitpUfuvrksCtoRxIACWQujX81C7SfRnoQr-Aomfm_0i8WmASlPavlPPIzqNz_lKMIDNEtm-0ZRop7irpact-lp9E488IGJIreILbp_vK2tfOHPXsL6L6b_85lgMh/s1600/IMG_9987.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsAoU51NV3cWAHlTAlitpUfuvrksCtoRxIACWQujX81C7SfRnoQr-Aomfm_0i8WmASlPavlPPIzqNz_lKMIDNEtm-0ZRop7irpact-lp9E488IGJIreILbp_vK2tfOHPXsL6L6b_85lgMh/s1600/IMG_9987.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk0-1qVYWyoUqcqEYQmYI01Unxo3z8wT9iNwtkgrtnIEKrWnIwfBU1nLTPd4lIHUgGIxGLCCdH2TAMFkp1DZ6zAWxrAvu98mMn7IFWvAihp4YpVkB-S8Xr2WutqVa0nwB783NrpgAzAYoZ/s1600/IMG_9988.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk0-1qVYWyoUqcqEYQmYI01Unxo3z8wT9iNwtkgrtnIEKrWnIwfBU1nLTPd4lIHUgGIxGLCCdH2TAMFkp1DZ6zAWxrAvu98mMn7IFWvAihp4YpVkB-S8Xr2WutqVa0nwB783NrpgAzAYoZ/s1600/IMG_9988.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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Since Jason had class that night, Carly and Will came over and hung out with us for a little bit.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Happy Valentine's Day!!</b></span></div>
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