Twin Pops

Last week was an emotional week. Well, let's be honest, what week hasn't been emotional? I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and found out that I was right - the twins are BOYS! Carson is pretty excited to have some brothers and I'm a little excited too.

The twins are identical. We know that for sure because they are Mo/Di twins. Mo/di twins share a placenta, but each baby has it’s own amniotic sac.  My doctors explained mo/di twin by saying they share a placenta and are in the same outer sac, but have a thin membrane dividing them which creates separate amnitoic sacs.  Mo/di twins are always identical and are considered mid-risk in the twin world.  Anytime babies share a placenta, they are at risk for twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS), which basically means the blood and nutrients from one baby (the donor twin) are going through the placenta to the other twin (the recipient twin).  In the past, developing TTTS resulted in devastating prognoses, but in recent years, thanks to development of new procedures, twins with TTTS have a much better chance of survival if it is caught early.  There is a 1 in 7 chance of mo/di twins developing TTTS.

So far the boys look healthy and are progressing great! The further along I get in the pregnancy, the more we will know what time frame they will arrive in and what their condition will be. I'm told that if I make it to 28 weeks everyone will sigh with relief and each 2 weeks after that we will all do jumping jacks. They will most likely come between 30-32 weeks, which puts us in January.

It's crazy where life takes you. I never imagined being a single mom to 3 kids and pregnant with twins - but here we are!

As for names...... Let's hear your suggestions! I have NO IDEA!! :)

The Eye of a Hurricane

I've always been fascinated with natural disasters. I know, it might seem a little odd, but in school it was always one of my favorite topics. I've always wanted to see a volcano erupting (from a distance, of course) and hurricanes are amazing to me. In the days leading up to a hurricane hitting, you might not ever see it coming. Many people comment on how blue the sky looks and how the breeze was so gentle that it barely ruffles the leaves on the trees a mere 48 hours before the strongest part of the storm hits.

I feel like a hurricane hit my life and I didn't have any warning. None. If you would have asked me how things were that morning when I woke up, I would have told you great. Sure, we had our struggles, but nothing crazy or out of the ordinary. Our 3 beautiful children demanded a lot of my attention and I was dealing with thyroid issues (I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto disease), but other than that we were happy. Then the storm hit. I never saw it coming.

A hurricane can leave destruction in it's wake that is all consuming. Trees bent over in the wind, houses destroyed, power disconnected -  a scene of utter chaos. That's what it felt like. I felt like my world was crashing down around me while I stood watching.

The eye of a hurricane, however, is a miracle. Skies are often clear above the eye and winds are relatively light. It is actually the calmest section of any hurricane. 

A few weeks into my hurricane, I had a thought that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So, I did. Now let me tell you, I shouldn't have been pregnant. There it was, however, staring back at me.... 2 pink lines. I had been praying for a miracle over and over and over, and in that moment I knew that this was the answer to those prayers. It wasn't what I had planned on, but it was the answer none the less. Heavenly Father had heard the silent pleadings of my heart and He knew that I wasn't done being a mom. Not yet. I knew that, and apparently He knew that too.

My first ultrasound was a few weeks later and I was terrified that they would tell me I had lost the baby. I had been spotting over the weekend and with my history, I was prepared for the worst. What I heard instead would forever change my life.

Twins.

In the middle of my own personal hurricane, God gave me a miracle. Not just one, but two. It's still early, and anything can happen, but I know that Heavenly Father knew my deepest desires and He wanted me to know that He was listening. Those two tiny heartbeats have given me hope and a reason to move forward. They are my Eye of the Hurricane - smack in the middle of chaos.

Although I didn't cause the hurricane that has hit my life and the lives of my children, the damage done is still devastating and the effects will be long lasting.

"We place ourselves in the path of these spiritual hurricanes when we indulge in anger, alcohol, and abuse; lust and licentiousness; promiscuity and pornography; drugs, pride, greed, violence, envy, and lies—the list is long. Perhaps, for a time, life seems to go on as before, and in that dormant period there is no hint of the terrible retribution to come, and then we are suddenly in the grip of their satanic power, and they lay waste our lives, bringing anguish and agony, depression, despair, and desolation. Too many times they also bring sadness, sorrow, suffering, and heartache to our loved ones. In the aftermath of their destructive path, it is often more difficult to restore a spiritually shattered soul than it is to rebuild a ruined city. There are whirling winds of malevolence, malice, and evil on the move in society today, and they will not spare those who wander into their path."
-David R. Stone

How grateful I am that I know this Earth life is just a tiny speck in the eternal scheme of things. Everyone has their trials and their heartache, it is what we learn from them that matters. When I can stop and ask, "What do I need to learn from this? Who do you want me to become?" it helps me to focus on improving and growing instead of just surviving. Someday, I hope to look back and be grateful for my trials because they got me to where I needed to be.

Here She Is!

She is here! Morgan Nicole Messano was born on December 6, 2013 at 5:40pm. She weighed in at 7lbs 12oz and was 20 inches long. She is happy and healthy and beautiful in every way.

I had my appointment on the 4th and was dilated to a 4. Because my official due date was not until the 18th, Dr. Leavitt couldn't induce me. He sent me home but told me he would probably see me sooner rather than later. I continued to have contractions that day and the next, but nothing consistent enough to go in. Finally, the morning of the 6th, the contractions got strong enough and close enough that I called Carly to come stay with the kids and Jason to come home and get me. I showered and packed my bags and we headed in. My contractions stopped about the time we left the house so we went and walked around the store for a little bit. By the time we were done my contractions we consistent again and we went to the hospital. I was dilated to a 5. The nurse told me that I had to progress even further in the next hour or they would send me back home (crazy) because they can't help my labor along if I am more than a week early. We were just about to start walking the halls when Dr. Leavitt called and told them to hook me up. Since it was my 3rd baby and he knew my history, he knew I would progress fast at the end. It was a relief to me since I was afraid we wouldn't make it back to the hospital in time if they sent me home.

I tested positive with group B strep this pregnancy, which means I had to have an antibiotic while I was in labor. The problem is that it takes 4 hours to start working once it is in your system. They made me lay down and did everything they could to slow my labor down. We checked in a noon and they got the antibiotic in by 1. That meant I couldn't (or should try really hard not to) have the baby before 5 that evening.  We hung out, watched a movie, I got my epidural (lovely!), and I slept. At 5:20 Dr. Leavitt came in and broke my water. I was at a 7 when he broke my water. At 5:30 I was ready to push and at a 10. Jason suited up to deliver with Dr. Leavitt. He was able to deliver Brooklyn and he got to deliver this time as well. At 5:40 Jason handed me a beautiful, red-headed little GIRL!!

Jason was right, again. He said we were going to have a girl and we did! I was expecting a little boy with dark hair and I got a little girl with red hair. I was in shock! We were thrilled and she was beautiful.

This labor and delivery was by far my easiest yet. The epidural they gave me was not as strong as the one I had with Brooklyn, which was actually really nice. With Brooklyn I wasn't able to move my legs or even walk until about 10 hours later. With Morgan I was up and walking as soon as she was born. I was able to watch her take her first bath - which I missed with both of my other kiddos.

Carly and Will brought Carson and Brooklyn up right after Morgan was born to meet her for the first time. They were instantly in love, especially Carson. He had been so excited for the baby to come and he wasn't really sad at all that she was a little girl. He wanted to hold her, love on her, kiss her, sing to her, and be next to her at all times. He is such a good big brother!

First Family Photo

Carson was not very happy when the nurses took Morgan into the nursery. He stood at the window and watched her every move and kept telling the nurses to be nice to her. He didn't want to leave the hospital until he knew she was going to be ok.

 

April bought Morgan her going-home outfit and it was adorable. She looked so cute in it and so tiny!

I was worried about how Brooklyn would react to having a baby in the house. She is such a strong willed little girl that I thought she would be mean to the baby. I was wrong. She loves Morgan and wants to help me and hold her. She is so sweet to Morgan and always wants to help her when she cries. The kids have adjusted really well to having Morgan here and we are all so in love.

Ready for Baby!

I went to the doctor the day before Thanksgiving and was dilated to a 3. I've been having pretty steady contractions so I think the baby will be here before we know it! I think we are having a boy, but Jason thinks we are having a girl. I guess we will see who is right. 

I've been trying to stay home and get everything ready, which has meant the kids are getting a little stir crazy. I gave them popcorn and let them watch a movie, and the popcorn ended up all over the floor. Next thing I know they were eating it up off the floor and acting like puppy dogs. Silly kids!

I've hit the stage where I don't have many comfortable clothes to wear and most days I stay in my sweats. I wear Jason's shirts and sweaters a lot and I told him that maybe we should switch wardrobes until I have the baby. He didn't really think that was the best idea.

We have had some snow the last few days and Carson really likes playing in it. Our neighbor, Abram, is Carson's age and they like to play together. It is fun to watch them play outside in the snow in all of their snow gear. Cute little boys.

We are all ready for this baby to arrive! It should be any day now.

Precious Miracles

When Jason and I were first married and decided that we were ready to start our family, I was excited. I don't know why I thought it would happen right away just because we wanted it to. We started trying......and months came and went. Every month was heartbreaking when we found out we weren't pregnant yet. It took us 10 months. I know that isn't a long time compared to other couples and we really are lucky, but to me it seemed like forever. I had one miscarriage during those 10 months, but it was just a few days in and I assumed that I had just calculated my dates wrong. My doctor later told me that it was probably a miscarriage. By that point I was pregnant - finally - with Carson so it wasn't as heartbreaking as it could have been.

My pregnancy with Carson was hard because I was so so so incredibly sick, but other than that there were no problems. When he was finally born we were thrilled. Beyond thrilled! He was perfect and precious and I was finally a mother. Life was great.

When Carson was about 9 months old we found out we were pregnant again. I was a little bit in shock because I thought for sure it would take a while. It took me about a week to get really excited and then I couldn't be happier. We had 2 doctors appointments for blood work and the normal early pregnancy stuff and everything looked great. When I was 11 weeks along we had our first ultrasound. During the ultrasound we learned that we had lost the baby, about 2 weeks earlier. For some reason my body hadn't recognized that I had lost the baby and was still acting like I was pregnant. I had morning sickness clear up until that morning! Dr. L told me that some women have that problem and they hoped that the ultrasound would be enough of a disturbance for my body to realize something was wrong and I would pass the baby without any medication or a D&C. My body passed the baby the next day.

The whole experience was devastating.  I don't know how else to describe a heartbreak like that. For a mother, when you find out you are expecting it instantly because real and it is your baby. I found out at 4 weeks, so by week 11 I had spent 7 weeks excited and planning for our next baby. I was heartbroken. It was even harder since I had a sweet little boy and I knew how much I loved my children! To be honest, I had a hard time understanding why it happened. I had to go in for weekly blood work appointments until my levels were back to normal, and then we had to wait 3 months after that to start trying again. I was also told that since I was far enough along I know had to declare "2 pregnancies, 1 live birth" for any medical records or doctor that asked. That was hard. Especially hearing someone say that out loud. I was 3 weeks behind my sister and 4 weeks behind my sister-in-law, which made the whole thing harder. I has happy for them, but sad for us. It felt like a constant reminder of what I had lost.

Once we were able to start trying again it only took us 2 months to get pregnant again. Blessing. I was at a low and it was what I needed. Once we found out, however, I was terrified it would happen again. At my first doctors appointment I asked if we could have an earlier ultrasound, and Dr. L agreed it would be a good idea. I had my ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything was perfectly healthy and normal! Baby Brooklyn was on her way!! During my pregnancy I was able to stay at home (finally) and we couldn't wait to welcome our sweet little girl into our family. She was born May 31st and has been such an added joy to our family. My little girl.

In December I started feeling abnormally tired and sick almost everyday. Since I am still nursing Brooklyn I hadn't had a cycle since she was born. One day the thought came to me, "What if I'm pregnant?" I had a test at home and decided to take it that afternoon when the kids went down for their nap. There it was, staring me right in the face. Pregnant. Definitely pregnant. This time it took me a little bit to truly get excited. I mean, I was in love from the instant I found out, but I also had a very sick/needy 6 month old baby and I was a little overwhelmed with the idea of having another one. I spend most of my time alone with the kids because Jason works full-time at a very demanding job and then goes to school at night. Most nights he stays at the library until after I'm asleep and he leaves before I get up in the morning. I didn't tell Jason right away that we were expecting again. I waited until we could go out to dinner and I told him then. He was thrilled! A little in shock, but super excited. I was a little surprised at his reaction and I was able to vent about all of my fears and concerns to him. He understood and was so supportive of me. After that, we started getting excited and planning for the arrival of another baby!

Since there wasn't really a way for us to tell how far along I was, Dr. L scheduled an ultrasound for 6 weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant. I went in for my appointment in the middle of January. The kids were napping so Jason came home to watch them while I went. I went into the ultrasound and the technician asked me how many pregnancies I had had. There it was again, that loss. "3 pregnancies, 2 live births." She began the ultrasound and I instantly knew something was wrong. I could see the baby and it seemed to be pretty far along. However, the technician didn't say much and spent a lot of time around the baby taking more pictures than I remember. She never turned on the sound for me to hear the heartbeat. Then she said the words I was dreading.... "Natalie, I need to show you something." She started to explain that the baby was a little girl, but that it looked as if  I had lost her just a few days before. There was no heartbeat and their was a lot of bleeding around the baby. She left the room for me to get dressed and I lost it. I sat there and cried. Another little girl? Why did I lose her? I've already done this once. I've already learned this lesson. Why again?

I was escorted to a room where Dr. L came in and talked to me. The second he came in he gave me a hug and just let me cry. Then he sat there and held my hand and explained what he thinks happened from the ultrasound. From the looks of it, the baby had Turner Syndrome. I could have lost her at any point in my pregnancy, or she could have lived and had some struggles. He answered all of my questions and was extremely understanding and kind. We scheduled a D&C for the next evening.

Having a D&C was better in some ways and worse in some ways. I didn't have to go through the cramping and contractions and actually pass the baby like the last time. However, I went into surgery with a baby and came out without a baby. I felt empty. A little like there was no closure. The instant I opened my eyes I started crying. She was gone. My baby was gone. In my post-op the nurse told me that I now needed to declare "4 pregnancies, 2 live births." When I heard that I became angry. Extremely angry. I'm not sure why that upsets me so bad, but it does. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks and one night I finally realized I should be grateful that I have to say that. As weird as it may sound, at least I get to count them. At least the 2 babies that I lost are still remembered, even in that small way.

This has been another learning and growing experience for me. I was already feeling overwhelmed with Jason never being home due to school and work, and now I had to deal with grief on top of taking care of 2 little kids, who couldn't afford for me to truly deal with the emotions I was experiencing. I had reached a new low. I found myself getting angry for no reason and then numb the next minute. Sometimes it was hard to rock Brooklyn as she was falling asleep because I would think about the fact that I could have had another little girl. I was overwhelmed and a loss at what to do next. I felt like no one could possibly understand what I was going through, how I felt, and why I was feeling that way.  I felt completely alone. Thankfully, I know I'm not. I had prayed for peace and strength to help me get through this. I had prayed for understanding and I had prayed to not become bitter. Finally, one night, I turned it all over to my Savior. I told Him I couldn't handle this and needed His help. I can honestly say that He has taken away the overwhelming pain and loss. It is still there, but I feel like it comes in episodes and doses that I can handle. I am so grateful for Him and for the knowledge I have.

I wasn't going to share any of this, but I realized it is a part of our little family's history. Since this blog is for my children, maybe someday this will help my daughter or even my son. This whole experience has, once again, helped me realize what a blessing our children are. Not only are they a blessing, but they truly are a miracle. It has also made me more grateful to be a mother to my two sweet children and I know that I want plenty more. :)

We've waited for a thousand years......

One month from today you are expected to make your arrival.... You have lots of people ready to meet you. Your daddy and I want to know what you look like and if you will resemble your brother. Carson wants to know if you are going to steal all of his toys and his mommy's attention. 

We already love you. Hurry up and get here. 

Pregnancy Update

This pregnancy has been a lot easier than my pregnancy with Carson, and different in so many ways. With Carson I was SICK until about month 6. With this pregnancy I was sick, but nothing like I was with Carson and it went away around week 15. I am not carrying the same and I am not nearly as big (so far) as I was with Carson.

February 24th - 26 weeks pregnant

The things I am craving are a lot different this time around as well. With Carson I craved bacon. I loved it!! I ate it everyday. I know, it sounds disgusting, but it is true. I did. This pregnancy all I crave are sweets!! I knew it had to be a girl for that very reason. I eat a lot of cereal and a lot of Oreos. :) I'm just glad I can blame it on the baby. One thing that is the same.... I still crave Sonic ice. I buy it by the bags and they know me by name. I may or may not have a cup of Sonic ice sitting next to me right now.....

It looks a little pink....

In case you haven't already heard the news.......

New little one on the way!

Jason and I are expecting our second baby on June 2, 2012! We couldn't be more excited about it! I don't feel great, but I feel better than I did with Carson. My sense of smell is also extremely heightened, which I didn't notice with Carson at all.

Jason and I lost a baby earlier this year. I was 3 months along. It was devastating, to say the least. Because of that we had an early ultrasound this go around and everything looks great and healthy. We honestly couldn't be happier. Jason wants a boy....I'm good with either. I guess we will wait and see!