Wise Beyond Your Years

I still remember the feeling of my knees hitting the concrete floor of the garage as I watched him back out and drive away. I had followed him out to the car begging him not to leave, but it didn't matter. I watched as he threw the dress shirts I had ironed for him just a few days earlier into the back seat of the car and slammed the door. He pulled out of the driveway amidst my pleading and sobbing, and didn't even look back. He had made his decision after a month of going back and forth, and he was gone. I couldn't bring myself to get up off of the floor, so I didn't. I buried my face in my hands and cried. In that moment, I felt like I would never be whole again. I was still in shock that this was happening and I almost remember thinking that I was going to wake up at any minute and my life would be normal again. I didn't wake up. Instead, I heard a small little voice say, "Mom? Mommy?" and I looked into the bright blue eyes of my barely 4 year old. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sat in my lap as we both cried. He kept asking me over and over again to stop crying and to not be sad, but I just couldn't do it. I needed to cry. So, we cried together.

My sweet little boy had seen a lot those few weeks leading up to his daddy moving out, and I wished so desperately that I could have shielded him from it. He heard us arguing, watched his daddy yell at me, watched me cry almost constant tears, and got scared when his daddy slammed his fists onto the hood of the car as I begged him not to go. I can't imagine what was going on inside that little head of his as he watched everything unfold. He must have been so confused and terrified.

His daddy stopped coming home and stopped spending time with him. I remember at one point adding up the days and it had been 22 days since Jason had seen the kids. We weren't what he wanted anymore. It was so heartbreaking to watch as the kids stopped asking when he would be home. I think inside they knew a lot more than they could actually understand. 

I tried my hardest to hold myself together for my kids and I would try anything and everything to not cry in front of them if I could help it. I would wait until they were all asleep and then I would go into my closet, shut the door, and cry. Carson always knew. I don't know how, but he did. He would crawl out of bed and come find me, begging me to stop crying. It broke my heart. He would look at me with those terrified and desperate eyes and beg me. So, most of the time, I would. He would crawl into my bed with me and hang onto me as if he thought I was leaving him forever. He was probably scared I would.

I started crying in the shower after a while, thinking the sound of the water would cover up my tears. It didn't work. Carson always knew. Even when my tears were silent tears that would hit me as I folded laundry or was looking for my shoes, Carson always knew. It was if he had a sixth sense of when I would cry. He wouldn't leave my side until he was sure I was done crying and was "better."

I had some pink chapstick that I used to put on at night before I went to bed. I remember one day I was crying in my bed and Carson came running into my room. He went into the bathroom, grabbed a Q-tip, and that chapstick, and scooped out a huge glob of it. He brought it to me and handed it to me. I was so confused at why he would do that. As he handed it to me, he asked me if it made me happy because he knew that I liked that "lip stuff." When I told him that it made me very happy, I could see the relief on his face. He just wanted me to be happy. He started bringing me Q-tips with chapstick on them when I would cry after that. My sweet little boy.

One day, I told Carson that his daddy was on his way to come get him to spend some time with him. Carson instantly started crying and telling me he didn't want him to come. I remember thinking, "Heavenly Father, how do I do this? I don't want him to come either, but I can't tell my child that. Please help me!" I knelt down next to him and asked Carson why he didn't want his daddy to come that day.  His answer was heartbreaking.

"Because everytime he comes, you cry. He always makes you cry."

I watched him closely after that. Sure enough, anytime Jason was around, Carson wouldn't leave my side. If I ever asked him to go play so that Jason and I could talk, he refused. He wouldn't leave me. He became my protector and his little hand in mind gave me strength to face another day. We became a team, this wise little 4 year old and I. I felt like he was carrying around this burden that was much too heavy for him, and it worried me.

I took him to counseling. I explained everything to the counselor and she sat silently watching Carson play. She asked me how much he saw. I explained that until Jason told me about the affair, life had been normal. As soon as Jason told me, he became a completely different person. He would scream at me in front of the kids, make me cry, hit the wall, door, car - you name it. He would kick things, throw things, and get so angry that he would clinch his hands into fists and scream. He had never done any of that before, so it was scary for all of us. I explained how Carson wouldn't leave my side, how he always knew when I was crying, how he wouldn't be alone in a room anymore without becoming scared, and how he watched his daddy turn into a person who didn't even want to be with the kids. What she said surprised me. She told me that it was better that he saw some of that then nothing. I'm sure she saw the confusion on my face, so she continued. She said if Jason had just left and moved out without Carson seeing some of the things he did, it would actually be more traumatizing and harder for him to understand. The fact that he saw some of the things he did made it easier for him when Jason left. It was a relief to him too.

One night, a few months later, as Carson and I were laying in bed about to go to sleep, I asked him if he would say our prayer. In the middle of his prayer, Carson said thanks for letting Jesus come visit on Tuesday. After the prayer, I asked him what he was talking about. His sweet little answer brought me more comfort than I had felt in a long time. "Jesus comes and visits me on Tuesdays. He sends angels on the other days, but on Tuesdays He comes." We weren't alone. We had angels watching over us and protecting us through this horrible time in our lives, and I knew in that moment that my kids were going to be ok. We had angels and the Lord on our side. The faith of my children always strengthened my own when I needed a little extra. Carson is a child of pure faith. It is one of his gifts.

My sweet little boy turns 5 today. Five. He has had to go through more than any 5 year old should, and yet he has handled it all like a champ. He is the man of our house and my right-hand little helper. He has had to grow up so much in the last year and some days I worry that he is losing his innocence too fast. He is such a tenderhearted little boy and is constantly telling me how much he loves me and always wants a hug and a kiss. I wish I could keep him this age forever and savor every moment. Oh, how I love him.

Happy Birthday, dearest Carson. You are an incredible little boy and one of the most amazing spirits I know. You are destined for great things and I am so blessed to be able to be your mommy. Thank you for being my best friend and for always being there when I needed someone. You are forever my hero. I love you to the moon and back, to Pluto, the milkyway, and to the faraway mountains. Here is to making 5 the best year ever.

Easter

We had a really nice Easter this year. The morning of Easter we surprised Carson with sand and sand toys in his sandbox that someone gave us last year. He was so excited and he played out there all morning. I make Easter shaped pancakes and we had a little lesson on Christ. Leading up to Easter we had been opening an egg every day as part of our scripture study. Inside the eggs were scriptures and an object associated with Christ and the events of Easter Weekend and the Resurrection. We also shared the testimonies of our family members with the kids that I had collected earlier. It was nice to really try and focus on the Savior and why we celebrate Easter.

Carson cracks me up. He has been making silly faces in pictures lately, and this thumbs-up one is one of his favorites. Haha!

Carly and Will came over for the day and went to church with us. After church we had a nice Easter dinner and then Jason and Will hid eggs for the kids in the backyard. By hid, I really mean covered the lawn in eggs.

 It was a great day. I love Easter. I love the meaning behind it and I am so eternally grateful for a loving Savior that came to Earth and atoned for my sins. He bore my griefs and carried my sorrows. He kept His promise and rose again on the third day.

One of my favorite talks about Easter is by Elder Holland. He says the following,

"My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosain our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,” ²¹ for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. "

Easter Egg Hunts

We had lots of fun celebrating Easter this year. Easter means the start idea hope of Spring, which always makes us excited. About a week before Easter, our playgroup had a craft and Easter egg hunt. The kids had fun and Carson was so nice about helping Brooklyn find eggs. Once she realized there was chocolate and candy in the eggs, she wasn't too interested in finding more. Carson helped her see reason and soon she was on her way again.

Ok, so I have to tell you my feelings about the Easter Bunny. Sigh. I don't hate the Easter Bunny. I grew up with the Easter Bunny in my house and I don't think there is anything wrong with having fun with the tradition. In fact, I don't not talk about the Easter Bunny, but we just don't focus on it. The Easter baskets don't come from the Easter Bunny, they come from Mom and Dad. We don't really talk about the Easter Bunny and hiding eggs is a fun tradition that we do as part of Easter. Again, I don't have anything against him, but we just don't really celebrate him. He is just another part of Easter that we might happen to see and take pictures with, if that makes sense.  It's not even something we consciously did, it just kind of happened that way. Besides, have you ever seen a not-creepy Easter Bunny costume? haha! Carson saw this Easter Bunny at an egg hunt we went to and he HAD to take a picture. Is it just me, or is he creepy looking?!

The day before Easter we went to an Easter Egg hunt in town. There are several, and this one was smaller than most - which meant less kids. The rule was that no adults could touch the eggs, so poor Morgan couldn't figure out what we were doing to her. She did manage to get 3 eggs in her bucket....with at little help from Uncle Will and Aunt Carly.

After the Easter Egg hunt, we went to Yellowstone Bear World for their Easter Egg hunt and their cub celebration. We went last year and we had a lot of fun so we decided to go again. Yeah, so did everyone else in Eastern Idaho. It took us about an hour just to get into the park the line of cars was so long. With all of the crazy people there, we decided not to do the egg hunt and just have fun riding the rides and looking at all of the animals.

Brooklyn and Carson both really enjoyed all of the rides they have there. They are meant for little kids their size and you can ride them as much as you want. We spent most of our time there and then went to the petting zoo area. Brooklyn is the braver of the two kids and would get a lot closer to the animals than Carson would.

 After we drove through the park and watched all the bears, we went home and rested. Later that evening we went to Orange Leaf and had some yummy ice cream. :) It was a fun-filled and exhausting day!

Chick-Fil-A Super Hero Night

Chick-Fil-A has fun family nights each month and last month was Super Hero night. They had fun signs through out the restaurant, everyone wore capes, and they had a "No Villains Allowed" section roped off where they showed The Incredibles.  They had a bounce house for the kids and the Super Hero Cow even got in and jumped with them.
We sure do love Chick-Fil-A! They are an awesome company that really does focus on families.

Kid's Fair 2014

We took the kids to the Eastern Idaho Kids' Fair again this year and they had so much fun. They love going. It is pretty crazy and full of people, but it's worth it when the kids are happy. :)

Little Miss Morgan was a trooper and only got upset when she was super hungry. Liza from Classy 97 walked by as she was crying and took her from me. She thought she was the cutest baby and really wanted to hold her. The kids got to touch lots of different reptiles, included a HUGE snake. It was gross, but the kids thought it was cool. They also loved all the games at the booths and all the candy they kept getting.

They also had a group of princesses there for the kids to meet. Brooklyn thought it was amazing since she loves Cinderella. We went twice, so she got to meet 2 different Cinderellas. I know I might sound awful, but I had to laugh at some of the princesses. I'll just leave it at that. The kids were amazed and that is all that matters. :)

 The kids also got to ride the ponies while we were there. Last year I waited in line for an hour and Carson refused to ride once we got up to them. This year he loved it and cried when we had to leave. Brooklyn giggled the whole time and laughed. Being a parent and watching your kids experience fun things is the best.

By the time we were done, all 3 kids were exhausted. As soon as we got in the car they all fell asleep. I guess that means it was a success!

St. Patrick's Day

I love St. Patrick's Day! It is such a fun little holiday. I remember growing up my Mom used to make us green food and I thought it was the coolest thing. I had plans to do fun things for the kids that morning, but we had just gotten back from Washington about 4 am and I was beat.
Jason decided to stay home from work that day and hang out with us. We took the kiddos to I-Jump to get all of their wiggles out from being in the car the entire week before while we were in Washington. It was the first time Jason was able to go with us. The kids had so much fun jumping with their daddy and throwing dodgeballs at him.

I even took Morgan out to bounce for a little bit. She wasn't sure what to think of it all and had a death grip on me the whole time.

After we were done at I-Jump we went to our normal playgroup for a St. Patrick's Day activity. The kids got to do a craft and decorate cupcakes with their friends. We love playgroup days! It's fun for the moms to all get together and it's fun for the kids to play.

Washington Trip

Zach graduated from the Washington State Trooper Academy in March! Wahoo! I am so proud of my little brother and am excited for what this means for his little family. I was able to go and watch his graduation. It was.....fun. Kinda. Let me explain.

Jason couldn't come because of work and school (the usual) so I decided to take the littles and go with Carly and Will. We took my mini van (yeah, we rocked the mini van) and headed out. I tried my best to prepare the kids for the ride with treat bags they got to open each hour. They had everything from a few new movies, crayons and coloring books, treats...you name it. It worked pretty good for the first 10 hours! The drive was 14 hours, however, and those poor kids were DONE. The last few hours were miserable for everyone. Lots of crying (me included), tired bums, sleepy kids, restless bodies. You get it.

Morgan fell asleep while we let the kids get wiggles out at McDonalds

Brooklyn's hair was full of fruit snacks, rice cakes, and dried bananas by the time we made it.

Sunset on the Columbia River on our way

When we checked into our hotel we had the most amazing gift basket waiting for us from Haleigh and Zach. It was full of everything "Washington" related. There was a trooper uniform for Carson, a Minnie Mouse dress for Brooklyn, a K-9 dog, outfits for Morgan, apples, maps, food.... It was adorable.

Thursday morning my parents flew in and met us at the hotel and then we drove to the state trooper academy for Zach's open house. It was the first time we were able to see him and he looked so handsome in his uniform. I was so proud of him when I got to see all of the hard work he had put in for the last 9 months. Carson was so amazed at all of it and you could see how much he looked up to his Uncle Zach. He wanted to follow him around everywhere. In fact, he still talks about Uncle Zach all the time and how he wants to be a trooper like him.

 

At the open house we got to go see everything Zach had done while at the academy. He even got to take us through the driving course in his trooper car. It was pretty awesome and he is a dang good driver! Carson LOVED the ride and was so sad when he had to get out. I hope being in the back of a cop car doesn't become a habit for him....

Friday was Zach's graduation at the State Capitol building in Olympia. It was really cool. They all drove up in their patrol cars and parked in a row. Then they marched into the capitol building together. It was really neat to watch, even through the rain. :)

The graduation took place in the state capitol building which meant there was no place to sit and it was a big quiet building where every noise echoed off the walls. The kids were pretty tired of being quiet by that point, so I didn't get to see much of the graduation because I was trying to keep them quiet and occupied. Carly and I did our best to keep the kids entertained with the camera while we waited for it to start. 

The good looking group of State Troopers ready to graduate!

We were all so proud of Zach and it was awesome to watch him graduate. We had a party for him later that night  - complete with donuts. :)

Little Miss Morgan hanging out with Nana.

On Saturday we were able to go do something the kids would enjoy - the Tacoma Aquarium and Zoo. They had lots of fun looking at all of the different animals and fish. Brooklyn got kissed by a walrus through the glass and Carson got licked by a tiger through the glass. Apparently my children look tasty.

We were able to take the kids swimming at the hotel. Brooklyn loves the water and was my little fishy. Carson only likes swimming for a few minutes and then he is ready to get out. Maybe someday we will be able to convince him to stay in longer.

On our final day in Washington we went to Tugboat Annie's for lunch. It was yummy! The view was pretty amazing, too.

It was great to be able to see Zach and Haleigh and to visit Washington. I really miss them and wish they lived closer so we could see them more often. It's hard not seeing them or being able to spend time with them! However, traveling without my husband was really hard. Having a 3 year old, a 20 month old, and a 3 month old on a long car ride and in a hotel for a week was a little too much. They were tired from late nights and early mornings, not being able to get their energy out. Mealtimes in restaurants are rough and I was ready to come home. I don't think I will be traveling without my hubby again for a long time. :)