Because the twins were so high risk, we were hoping to make
it to 32 weeks. That was our goal. At 31.5 weeks, I went into labor. Jason had
the kids for the weekend, so after a day of really strong contractions and
feeling pretty yucky, I finally went into the hospital. Sure enough, I was in
labor and already dilated to a 4. Dr. L. put me on a medication to stop my
labor and warned me that it would make me feel awful. Boy did it ever!! After 3
days in the hospital, I they had my labor controlled enough that I could go
home on bedrest. The next few weeks were miserable! I was huge and
uncomfortable and continued to have contractions every day.
During the weeks while we waited for the baby boys to make
their arrival, I struggled to decide what to do for the birth of the boys.
Every time I tried to think about who I wanted there, my mind would draw a
blank. Nothing really felt right. Finally, I decided that I would just do it
alone. I had carried the boys through the hardest pregnancy alone and I thought
that I would just bring them into this world alone as well. It was sad to me.
It was another reminder to me that I wasn’t married anymore. I didn’t have a
husband to be by my side for the birth of our miracle twins. I spent many
nights in tears as I laid awake, struggling with the fact that I was divorced
and that the father of these babies didn’t want me anymore. I reflected on the
birth of my 3 other children and how special each of those days were because
they were experiences that I shared with him. This time, he didn’t love me. He
wasn’t going to be there to hold my hand and he wasn’t going to be there as we
brought these special spirits into this world. It was devastating to me.
What had I done to
deserve this? Why did I have to suffer through this by myself?
One day, I was talking to my counselor, and we were
discussing the upcoming birth of the twins. She asked me who was going to be
there with me. I told her that I was going to do it alone. She didn’t say much,
but asked me if I had thought about asking their dad to be present. At first I
was a little stunned.
Really??! The man that
had put me through all of this heartache? The person that had left me to deal
with all of this alone? The one that had abandoned me at the time I needed him
most? Him?! Why should he get to be there to experience this when he didn’t
deserve it?
The problem was, right when she said it, I knew she was
right. I felt very strongly that it was what Heavenly Father wanted. To be
honest, I wasn’t very happy about it. That night, after I got the kids to bed
and I had a few quiet moments to myself to think, I knelt and prayed. I told
Heavenly Father about all of my frustrations with Him wanting Jason there.
How was this fair? He
got to walk away, leaving me broken hearted and shattered, and he still gets to
experience this sacred moment? He hasn’t been there for me or for them this
entire time….you remember that, right? You have watched me cry myself to sleep
countless nights, go through morning sickness with 3 little kids, trying to
work and keep my kids’ lives afloat while dealing with this extremely hard
pregnancy – all of it alone. He caused so much emotional damage and despair. He
has caused pain so intense that I can’t find words to describe it accurately.
Now, you want me to allow him to be there for one of the most personal, sacred,
and intimate experiences in this life? I’m still in love with him, and you know
how hard it is to be around him…. Now you want me to let him be there during
this vulnerable time? Do you understand how hard that will be for me? Sharing
this with him while knowing he doesn’t love me and hasn’t been there for me
this whole time?
I let it all out that night. I cried. I cried hard. I cried
for a long time. Finally, when there weren’t any tears left and I was still
lying on the floor, I got the answer to the questions I had been asking.
“This isn’t about him
and it’s not about you. This is about these precious little boys. They deserve
to have both of their parents present when they enter this life. I understand
how hard this will be for you, but please trust me. This is about them.
Although you don’t understand all of this, there is a plan. Trust me.”
It was for the kids. For the first time since I had known
that he needed to be there, I felt peace. It was for my kids.
Being divorced is hard. I never wanted it. I still can’t
believe it happened. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. For
me, my love for my husband didn’t go away. When I got married, I promised forever.
I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop loving him. It wasn’t ever supposed
to. Needless to say, being around him is very hard for me. It stings. It’s
torture. It’s a reminder of a life that I loved that is now lost. I’ve had to
learn how to put that aside for my children. I knew that I didn’t want them to
feel like they had to pick which parent they wanted at certain events. We
needed to figure out a way to both be present and have good feelings. I have
spent countless hours pleading for the strength to be able to do that.
Christmas, birthdays, holidays…. We have made it work. We have been able to be
there, be kind, be loving, and be supportive – as parents. My kids have been
able to have both parents there for them, which they need so desperately. It is
extremely hard to do. Most times, after the day is over, I climb into bed and
sob. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted this life, but I will do
anything for my kids, even if that means putting myself through painful days so
that my kids can have both parents around. This was going to be another one of
those experiences.
The day finally arrived.
The twins were born by C-Section on February 27, 2015.
Bentley Clark Messano (6lbs 12oz) was born at 7:27am. Beckham Jeffrey Messano
(5lbs 6oz) joined us a minute later. The
entire experience was full of emotion for me. I tried to put on a brave face,
but inside I was hurting. I was scared about having a C-Section, I was worried
about the twins, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to keep my
composure in front of everyone. After I was prepped and ready, they brought
Jason in. He was able to watch as his baby boys were born and I knew how
special that moment was for both of us. Once they were here, Jason went with
the boys into the NICU. I was alone as they finished everything and sent me to
the recovery room. I didn’t have anyone there holding my hand the whole time. I
didn’t have someone there to make sure I was ok. I didn’t have a husband there
for me, worried about me. I was alone - and I felt it. It wasn’t supposed to be
that way. The birth of a child should be a bonding experience full of love. I
was alone. That fact was very evident in the operating room that morning. After
he left and followed the boys, I felt the tears building. As they silently
started to fall, I felt a warmth consume my entire body. Heavenly Father
stepped in at that moment to fill in the gaps.
The entire experience has strengthened my testimony in
Heavenly Father's plan and in the importance of families. The Family
Proclamation states, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of
matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows
with complete fidelity." Now, more than ever, I have a testimony that this
is true! It was very hard on me to not have my husband by my side through this,
especially as it brought up memories of the times we shared when our 3 other
sweet children were brought into this world. There are days when the unfairness
of it all seeks to drag me down. Through it all, I am grateful for the
Atonement. Christ is able to step in during times when life is hard and unfair
and heal parts of your heart that you couldn’t imagine ever healing. He stepped
in that day for me.
I am so glad that their dad was able to be there that day. Although it was extremely difficult for me, the boys needed us both there. Those moments when a baby is new are precious, tender moments. I know they could feel us both there and I know that they felt loved.
Bentley and Beckham are my little miracle babies. They are
special spirits and I know there are great things in store for them. I am so
honored to be their mother.